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Old 04-22-2012, 07:36 PM   #1 (permalink)
apoc
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 21
Default My Old Man's Suicide

I'm new here because life has been funny, as of late. Most of my friends won't give me the time of day to listen so I'll turn to the less dark side of the internet.

I'm a 20 year old guy going to college and working part time (deliver for Jimmy John's) who just recently learned the truth about his dad. From 5 to 8 years old I used to have these really bad nightmares. But one night (March 13th, 2000) I dreamed that my old man committed suicide... but then I woke up and he was actually dead. He was a Scout Sniper for the USMC, a real standup Marine but in hindsight a very lackluster father. He'd spank or otherwise beat me or my sister most everyday if he wasn't out at the bar getting drunk or siphoning money out of my mom's paychecks for cocaine (on top of all the pain meds he was on to deal with sounds he sustained during his service). For the longest time I did my best to think highly of him so that his absence would be one filled with what few good memories I did have.

That is, until November of 2010, when my ex was rummaging through some of what few things of his that were left here looking for jewelry to pawn because she'd emptied out my bank account twice. Found a folded up note that I'd never seen before so I asked to read it. It was the last thing my dad ever wrote before he died. He'd gotten a vase of flowers for my mom not long after the divorce and in 30 days he'd allegedly found God through the help of one Sister Diana and said he was sorry for how he was. Impersonal as he never apologized to all of us individually (and now that I think about it, Devil being in the details, he really didn't mean what he wrote) but nonetheless I cried for 15 minutes. For all of 2011 I struggled very heavily with what the implications of his letter were... I remember the flowers and even at 7 years old this feeling of dread that I shouldn't have been around my old man.

He used to keep a rifle behind the front door and I found out in the last year that I was actually supposed to die at six years old by that or his sidearm, but my mother got the divorce right on time.

This December I showed my step dad (I trust him with some things) the note and he said something that pieced everything together for me; that wasn't the first time. My original dad had ploys he worked with my mom because she was the only person that tried to live with how he was at that point in his life. Always yelling and screaming or breaking things...

I've had a few father-like figures in my life but never anyone that consistent. I had one uncle that was very good to me but he died along with my aunt and cousin (all on separate days and from different causes but all in just a few years). Me and my stepdad are cool but he's retired, I'm going to college, and more or less we're just buds.

I'm emotionally crippled because after my dad's suicide, my ma never treated me like her son; I was always her well behaved accident. To this day I feel very little mortal pain or any sort of emotional stake in my relationships (though that is mostly because I've been used extensively or the other person doesn't want to put in so I refuse to do Everything to keep the friendship going).

I know this has no real tie with marriage to my end, but I don't know where else to ask about something like this. Although, relevant to the site, me and my mother did raise my niece and nephew for a lot of the first year they were alive and I found out I'm very good with kids (my sister had twins, one boy one girl). My sister lives with my brother in law 3 hours south of us (3 back then, 5 now) so we always drove down and took care of Everything. (Me and my mom did more work on that house than they did).

In the last year, since my mom married my stepdad, I've been viewed with less of a stigma but being in college and out of high school, find it hard to make friends. I'm apparently an exceptional acquaintance. I meet a lot of people but either get used or conveniently, they only know and talk to me when they have problems. I'm 6' 3" and 270, and someone I thought was a good friend for the last couple of years... I'd go out of my way to visit them and make sure life was all fine (very turbulent and argumentative marriage and I was some of the only calm to it), but all of a sudden the only time they ever see me is when they're moving and ask for my help. I almost wanted to ask if they were out of their ****in' mind. I have no problem helping, but after how much I put into that relationship, that's the only time they can afford to take out to see me back? Hell no.

I guess then, my question, forum, is given the above, if you had to live with knowing that your dad almost killed you and a few of your friends know but at the end of the day nobody cares enough to see you or really reach out, what would you do? It's not that I don't attempt to form or even foster positive or meaningful relationships, but most of the time I'm friendzoned or since I'm off drugs, no longer with the "in" crowd.
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