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Deejo · 07-10-2009, 01:00 PM

I did what I am about to recommend. In the interest of full disclosure, I will also tell you that although the tactic worked, my wife and I are divorcing.

Ask her to talk about what she was getting from the other man. If you don't think that you can calmly sit and listen to her talk about how she became drawn to someone else, without freaking out, becoming despondent or wanting to choke her - then don't do it.

But ... if you can ask her the question and take in an answer calmly, here is what you will learn:

You will discover what she wants but wasn't getting from you. (Whether those things are real or perceived is another matter)
You are demonstrating love and trust that you are committed to salvaging the relationship. You are taking a tremendous emotional risk - as is she, if she engages in a dialogue with you.
If she is responsive to the question, she still places tremendous value on the relationship she has with you. You allowing her to be open and feel safe will make her feel far more invested in repairing the marriage. She will also likely feel far worse for having caused you pain.
If she refuses to discuss it, is evasive, or dismissive; she is either still heavily invested in the relationship, or significantly more happened than she has told you, or is willing to tell you.

When my wife and I had this discussion, I approached it from the perspective of; what happened, happened, but if we were going to rediscover our own spark, I wanted to understand how she became drawn to him, so that I could work on being the source of meeting those needs. My explanation was true, but at the same time it was also to discover the depth of the relationship and where she stood. The purpose is not to feed anger, the purpose is to share information. She was pretty open, and when it came down to it, didn't know where she stood. She claimed to love us both. I didn't question or challenge that answer. But having that answer helped me make my decision to end the marriage.

You will get a wide variety of responses here. All of them based upon someone having gone through exactly what you are facing now. As mentioned, if you are already wrestling with depression, it is crucial that you take steps for your own well-being. Therapy, medication (I took zoloft for about 4 months when things tanked), whatever works. Addressing your own issues helps either course you take. It enables the marriage to heal, or gives you the strength to get through dissolving it.

07-10-2009, 01:00 PM	#8 (permalink)
Deejo Member Join Date: May 2008 Location: MA Posts: 924	Re: Looking for help I did what I am about to recommend. In the interest of full disclosure, I will also tell you that although the tactic worked, my wife and I are divorcing. Ask her to talk about what she was getting from the other man. If you don't think that you can calmly sit and listen to her talk about how she became drawn to someone else, without freaking out, becoming despondent or wanting to choke her - then don't do it. But ... if you can ask her the question and take in an answer calmly, here is what you will learn: You will discover what she wants but wasn't getting from you. (Whether those things are real or perceived is another matter) You are demonstrating love and trust that you are committed to salvaging the relationship. You are taking a tremendous emotional risk - as is she, if she engages in a dialogue with you. If she is responsive to the question, she still places tremendous value on the relationship she has with you. You allowing her to be open and feel safe will make her feel far more invested in repairing the marriage. She will also likely feel far worse for having caused you pain. If she refuses to discuss it, is evasive, or dismissive; she is either still heavily invested in the relationship, or significantly more happened than she has told you, or is willing to tell you. When my wife and I had this discussion, I approached it from the perspective of; what happened, happened, but if we were going to rediscover our own spark, I wanted to understand how she became drawn to him, so that I could work on being the source of meeting those needs. My explanation was true, but at the same time it was also to discover the depth of the relationship and where she stood. The purpose is not to feed anger, the purpose is to share information. She was pretty open, and when it came down to it, didn't know where she stood. She claimed to love us both. I didn't question or challenge that answer. But having that answer helped me make my decision to end the marriage. You will get a wide variety of responses here. All of them based upon someone having gone through exactly what you are facing now. As mentioned, if you are already wrestling with depression, it is crucial that you take steps for your own well-being. Therapy, medication (I took zoloft for about 4 months when things tanked), whatever works. Addressing your own issues helps either course you take. It enables the marriage to heal, or gives you the strength to get through dissolving it.