Talk About Marriage - View Single Post - seeking insight from the ladies
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post #1 of (permalink) Old 04-23-2012, 12:19 AM Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 60
seeking insight from the ladies

hi ladies, i was wondering if you could provide your insight on what my wife may be going through during this difficult time.

our story is here:

Wife having EA but I want to work it

and here:

moved from CWI to going-through-divorce...

basically, my wife told me ILYBINILWY after 8 yrs of marriage (13 yrs together), told me she was unhappy with being neglected for so long and not being loved in the way she wanted to be loved, and eventually that she had two PAs (pure sex, no names) and was in the midst of an EA w/ a coworker, all in the past year.

she has felt undesired and unattractive because i haven't really wanted sex that much in the past year, and this snowballed (as every little thing that she may have ignored before added fuel to her fire of being unhappy and eventually checking out of the relationship).

i've spoken with many of her close friends and the story is consistent: she knows how lucky she is to have someone like me for a husband, and that if she were following her brain, all signs would point to getting through this together. she knows that i want to work it out, that i have accepted responsibility for my flaws and acknowledged where things went wrong, and that i would move mountains to get an opportunity to show that i can change.

but the story is also consistent that she wants to follow her heart instead of her mind, and her heart doesn't feel she owes me a chance to show i can change after having so many years of evidence of the type of person i am (not as romantic or spontaneous as i used to be after the honeymoon period ended, stable/dependable/good-natured but perhaps not as exciting as she would have liked), and that even if she gives me a chance to change, she cannot predict whether that would be enough in her mind. she also would feel guilty for making me jump through hoops and then still decide it wasn't enough.

she has told her friends that if i had done this 6 months ago, she would have given every opportunity to work it out. but since she met this coworker, she is thinking to herself, is there something else better for me out there? she has since put the EA on hold and left the country for a month to be by herself and collect her thoughts (i know for a fact the OM is not with her), but she is wrestling with two alternatives: (i) being pretty sure she can be pretty happy with me, a known commodity, or (ii) potentially being extremely happy with someone else (not necessarily this coworker, but someone out there) but with extreme uncertainty.

sorry for the long post, but have you found yourself in this situation? what kind of thought process do you go through to make your decision? have you decided to give your husband another shot, or determined it was worth the uncertainty to search for true happiness? if so, was it worth it?

thanks very much for your insight.

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