Re: In-Laws. Am I being unreasonable?
Let me just say that my mother-in-law and I used to have a great relationship....until she started blatantly being disrespectful after MY H and I went through a rough period, and she began violating my boundaries terribly. Now, I admit, I have an issue with him violating boundaries all the time and some of my attitude about that transferred to her once she was doing the same thing.
They moved away seven years ago to another state and come to visit two or three times a year. As a general rule, the expectation has always been that we be available to them whenever they are here. That usually means that they will call and say, "We're turning onto your street. Get ready." Or she will say, "I need the boys Tuesday at 4:00." Or my favorite, "We can't stay with (the sister), so we need to stay at your house...and we're only comfortable in the master suite." Yes, I've given up my bed repeatedly for this woman, even though I had a guest room. I just got sick of it.
Right before their last visit a year ago, I called her and said that I loved that she was able to spend time with the boys while they were here, but that we could no longer accommodate her last-minute plans and simply showing up unannounced because it means too much schedule juggling for me to make it happen. I explicitly told her I was not available on Thursday because I was having dental surgery. She told me that they would like to take the boys to the track, if they could make it happen, but didn't know when or if it could happen.
The visit comes around. Day two she shows up unannounced. Day three she takes the kids for the scheduled plans. Day four we don't hear from her, at all. Thursday comes and she calls just as I'm leaving the dentist's office and tells me she is on her way. I get ticked at that point, because I told her ahead of time Thursday was out and I told her it wasn't happening. Then she called my H and told him that she had planned on taking the kids the day before but I refused to take her calls. I didn't have a call from her on my phone, and a check of my call logs online revealed no call from her. Needless to say, she hasn't been my favorite person since then, because she made it obvious that she was not going to respect any boundaries I had put in place and started a shet storm before she left by lying about calling.
Just found out tonight, via text message from my sister-in-law, that they are in town and "expect" to be allowed to visit when their schedule permits. First, I didn't even know they were coming to town -- never got a call, e-mail, text before now..when they're already here. My week is booked solid this week with the kids and work and I am NOT going to reschedule what we have going on to accommodate her again. I think it's rude to just show up in town and start barking orders about scheduling, especially on the heels of last time.
H and I fought all night long because he thinks I should just forget what happened last time and "play nice." I say I've been nice and tried to work with her; she just refuses to do anything other than what she wants to do.
I should also mention that in the year since they were here last she has not called or emailed my kids once, did send them a card and crappy gift at Xmas -- not even remotely age appropriate -- and that's it. No other contact from her in a year.
Am I being unreasonable to expect at least a little courtesy and for being totally ticked that they don't call or write for a year and now we're supposed to accommodate them, or should I play nice -- aka rug sweep -- for the greater good? Both of my kids have said they do not want to see her, but H is pushing the issue. It has been WWXXXXXXXX here all night long.