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Is it my fault???

22K views 111 replies 31 participants last post by  Ben Connedfussed 
#1 ·
My wife left me 6 weeks ago and never came back. On the way out the door she mentioned all the things I never did and things I did do that bothered her....I keep going over and over these things in my mind and thinking I should have paid more attention to her etc. BUT I complimented her daily, treated her well, etc. then I ask myself "I put up with alot of things from her and ask myself if there was anything she ever did to me that would make me go out and take off my clothes and sleep with another woman?" the answer is ALWAYS no. But it drives me crazy thinking I was responsible for the affair....is this freaking normal?
 
#2 ·
She is just trying to justify what she did by listing your "faults". Everyone has things they wish they would have done differently. Even maybe some regrets. Both spouses contribute to the marriage problems, but the decision to break the marital vow of fidelity was hers alone.

If she was so miserable, she could have simply filed for divorce and walked away, as countless others (with honor) have done.

Don't let her fool you. You are not responsible for her affair.
 
#5 ·
Nope. As the betrayer, I can definitively tell you it's NOT your fault.

That doesn't mean you had a great marriage, though. Obviously something was wrong...you just were never given the chance to know it and address it.

But you weren't responsible for the affair. Take that burden off your shoulders now, lay it down and walk far, far away from it.
 
#7 ·
This is very standard, as others have mentioned.

And, a betrayed person is , often, so downtrodden and traumatized, that he or she ,often, believes the self serving justifications from the cheater.
You have already started to realize that she had imperfections as well, yet you remained true to your vows.
There was a study i read about where inquiry(somehow) was made into which partner was less invested in the marriage to begin with and which partner caused most of the pre-affair problems in the marriage. Overwhelmingly, it was the cheater that was responsible for the poor conditions in the marriage.
Think about it. It makes sense. Your wife has demonstrated beyond any doubt that she lacks integrity, is a poor communicator, and that she has poor problem solving skills. She demonstrates a lack of forethought and a lack of empathy.All this is shown by her cheating.
So, with that in mind, knowing her deficiencies, do you really beleive she was the better spouse in the relationship? Is it likely that someone so cruel, depraved and dishonest, not to mention deficient in communication etc. was anything but the main source of the pre-affair marital problems?
The whole "50/50" cliche re responsibility for pre-affair problems lacks analysis. Clearly, one spouse can be way more responsible for a marriages decline than the other. And, as I mentioned, it is much more likely that the cheater had the yeoman's share of that responsibility.
Read up on this. It is fairly well established and documented re this cheater being more at fault for the decline in the marriage.
 
#8 ·
I like the word "projection". In many cases the cheater will project all their problems or faults onto the faithful spouse. Some truly believe they were pushed into the affair and never take responcibility for their actions. I keep hearing how I have to take responcibility for my marriage winding up in divorce but I did everything possible to keep it going....including my own therapy, MC, admitting my wrong doings...nothing worked. As far as I will ever be concerned she did all this herself, I even forgave her time and time again....36 weeks of MC and she was still content in keeping her BF....it was a lost cause.
Don't ever take blame you don't deserve!!
Mouse
 
#9 ·
She's just justifying things to herself. Accept none of it, you truly know what parts of you could do with a little improvement - we all do, but she's just making excuses. I mean, she was the 'perfect' partner wasn't she?
At this question they (both men and women) usually say, 'No'
Contradictory statement - end of argument.
 
#10 ·
Bad night last night - heard from friends that saw my former spouse out with her boyfriend at a concert - she is so flagrantly shameless about her behaviour and she was driving our family car. Its like she doesnt care a lick what i think...its amazing how devastated one can get over this stuff....i mean i know she slept with the guy numerous times....so why would her going public bother me so much? Then I also found out there was stuff I left behind when I moved out and she didnt call me about it she coldly went to a mutual friend and dropped it off with them....after I knew her for 30 years...it makes no sense at all.
 
#29 ·
Bigtone, I'm so sorry that you are here.

I feel your pain. My ex and I have known each other since we were fourteen (35 years) and I don't recognize the person that she has become. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined that she would abandon me and the kids.

My wife is currently flushed with $150k from the divorce settlement and is 'happily' living life as a single cougar wannabe.

The person that you knew is dead. Remember the happy times and mourn the loss of your marriage. Believe it or not, it does get better. One day at a time.
 
#11 ·
It's detatchment - people use it to seperate emotion from situations. She's making you out to be some villain in her head to keep herself feeling comfortable with what she's doing.

This is why you have to take care of you - no one else is going to do it.
 
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#13 · (Edited)
yea i know but its complicated - we have an 18 year old son at home and I left the car for him to drive and him only - but it appears she is manipulating him to get it and I'm angry at him but he's been through enough due to her breaking up the family and want to be close to him. So I feel stuck.
 
#15 ·
I knew it was a mistake BUT I was devastated when she told me of the affair. I couldnt live with her and wasnt well enough to take care of our son - so I thought the most prudent thing to do was to let her take care of our son and me get myself together. However, its been 6 weeks and I've got myself together a bit but I see she is not taking care of our son....she's out every night her boyfriend. So, yea was it a mistake....yeah but I had to get myself together first. Understand?
 
#19 ·
She dropped the ball in getting her needs attended to by you. If the first you heard of it was on her way out the door, that's irresponsible on her part. Every adult should understand themselves and what they need in terms of connection to others, then they should be the #1 person to advocate for themselves, whether this is through actions or verbal communication it doesn't matter. It seems she is just switching up people to get an immediate need met, chances are when her needs change, she will have to switch up again, due to her lack of self-awareness, self-advocacy and initiative, also perseverance. You can't kick yourself for not being a mind-reader. On the other hand, it's good to check in with a spouse every now and then to see how they are doing...and hope that they will be honest if something isn't working well.

Even though my boyfriend had a brain hemorrhage, we still check in with each other to see how we are doing...and to re-assess our relationship to make sure we are on the same page and our needs are being met, and which ones aren't, and what our plan is for now and for future. It's just a normal, expected part of any relationship, to pay attention to it. Not just discard it when it's the wrong thing for your immediate need. It's sad what she's doing but chances are you are not going to be able to have any control over it.
 
#20 ·
BigT, blaming yourself is perfectly normal. Just listen to the folks here. It was not your fault! I'm the kinda guy for whom failure is not an option, lived my whole life with that credo. But when I found out about my wife, I felt like the most colossal failure in the universe. Took a long time to recover from that one, but it was a growth experience. Start working on yourself; every one of us has the potential to grow and improve; that's part of the challenge and a lot of the fun.
 
#21 ·
I blamed myself for everything wrong in our marriage also,at first.My WW loved that,she told me I could come over take care of any work around the house and pay the bills and leave,when I tried to explain to her that she did some damage too she refused to take any blame,she tried to get me out of the house so she could "date" her prince charming.When our MC asked us to list our faults we did,I had quite a list going,her paper was blank,MC asked if she had any faults she looked around the room for a while and shook her head no.It was all my fault,by then I knew better.I came near having a nervious break down and pleaded for some help,again she said why should I help you its all your fault.She did everything in her mind to justify she was in the right.After I kicked her out she had a break down but I was there for her,i wanted revenge but what good would that do,she wasnt in her right frame of mind.She finally saw where all this was headed and it wasnt going to be like she thought it was.Thank God she stoped her EA and slowly came around and we are improving,I Will never take the blame or go through all that pain again,I know better now,she now admits her blame in our marriage and has been totally out of the fog now for about a month.Dont ever let someone lay it all on you
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#23 ·
The truth is if she was unhappy in a marriage she could have said something, initiated therapy. She didn't want to. She just used you as an excuse to do to you precisely what she should not. She blamed the victim. What a b*tch. She wanted to leave you, break your heart and not feel any guilt for it. What better way to do it than to blame you? Look up the humorous link " our love is real" another poster put up few days ago... it sums it up in a nutshell. Good luck
 
#25 ·
I keep wondering what would a guy say to a woman to convince her to leave her husband of 26 years and 17 year old son?? It boggles my mind...Now and as for lawyers - I live in Canada and I do not have money for an attorney - I'd love to file separation and divorce papers ASAP but have no money. Finally, I am concerned about the whole tough love thing because I'm afraid she will use it as a way to say "See he never was supportive of me.." I do not want her back but having a hard time letting go as well..its sorta messed up.
 
#31 ·
Thank you for everyone's help. It is uplifting..well as uplifting as this situation can be. 6 weeks ago I was crushed - I am a little better now. Thank you for the whole rewriting of history - I have been telling people thats what shes doing - cripes two weeks before she had affair she had pictures of a family trip to florida all over facebook under the folder - family fun in florida - then two weeks later it was all negative...talk about mind messing. The one thing that drives me crazy is that people tell me that I must have done something to make her unhappy - then my mind starts spinning again. I am not going to accept responsibiity for her affair. Oh, yea, for those discussions about seeing a doctor - I was having great pain down below and went to doctor who believes I might have contracted an STD which I think led her to such levels of anger because she cannot deny the affair....extremely pissed that she would put me at risk with unprotected sex and then not tell me...to me a higher level of betrayal.
 
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