donny64

All of this snapping and rudeness is a result of a lack of self discipline, apreciation for another, and respect for another. Throw in a heavy does of taking someone for granted.

I had been single (wounded badly) after my ex. It gave me much time to reflect. What I came up with was this: Why would I treat my girlfriend, s/o, wife with any less respect than I treat my mother? My mom is an angel, but drives me to distraction sometimes! I moved in with her for a while after dad passed to help out. And the loss of my own place kind of got to me. I had no space, could not find things of mine, etc. Being an organized person, this was brutal. And I'd get upset. I would NEVER, EVER let her see it or disrespect her. This is leading somewhere....

I had a thought, "why can't I take that same respect, appreciation and courtesy into a relationship? Why, just because you sleep and live with someone, should that give you a reason to snap over silly crap? Or take a bad day out on someone? Or call them a name?

Those thoughts has served me and my relationships well, and I've never done it again. I also won't tolerate it. There were times early on in dating my wife when she would get snippy. I would stop what I was doing and just stand there and look at her. When she'd finally notice, I'd say something to the effect of "are you ready to get out of marriage mode now, because I'm not your ex husband". Or "When you're ready to stop taking your bad day out on me, we'll talk. Until then, I've got better things to do."

My buddy has troubles with this. I explained it to him like this: If the cap is off the toothpaste. I put it back on. Wow, there went 2 seconds of my life! If she leaves a half filled coffee cup on the counter (a daily occurrence that irks me a bit), I wash it and put it up. Another 10 seconds of my life gone. Versus what? Arguing for hours over something so minor? But there is a line between an irksome habit, and disrespectful or insensitive behavior. Disrespectful behavior is never just brushed off.

Again, has served me so well. The W said a couple weeks back "I've never in my life even approached a relationship that was so steady and calm, yet on the other hand so exciting and emotional in such great ways". She long ago understood what I was doing, and followed suit.

I told her then that I do not ever want to throw that first snowball that eventually starts down that hill, gaining speed and size, until it's a hurtling behemoth of destruction with no chance of stopping. I'm not throwing the snowball. I will argue and stand my ground when it's needed and without hesitation, but I respect her, cherish her, and will not treat her badly. There has never been name calling...not a single time...in our relationship. Arguments are about resolving the situation, not "one upping" or trying to hurt the other. If it starts to go there, argument is PUT ON HOLD IMMEDIATELY. If something is starting to bother me, I talk about it, then and there, before it festers into resentment or anger. At first she didn't understand this and felt like "I feel like I can't do anything right". It took a few times of explaining my mentality about this to her before she caught on. Now she knows. And a funny thing happened....she's become extraordinarily confident. All her little insecurities when we met are all but gone. And she feels like she can virtually do no wrong with me! And, she is right. And I appreciate every minute of it, and show her so.

It is about the mutual respect. I will respect who I'm with, and in return demand the same (where I've earned it). If that's not there, it's just not going to end well, so better to end it sooner than later.