| | Terrible wife.
I am a terrible wife, and I know it, I just don't know what to do anymore.
My husband and I have always had financial issues so our credit is jacked, he left most of it in my hands so it's my fault and he holds it over my head. We have been together for 6 years, 4 years married. We're young, we have two (unplanned for) children, he works full time and I recently quit a few months ago to stay home with my kids. We have gone through a repossession, have paid bills late, have even had things shut off, own a vehicle with an extremely expensive payment, rent a house that we really shouldn't afford. My husband likes the finer things and had to have the expensive vehicle that now if we get rid of it we can't get another vehicle using credit and we rent don't own, but he isn't willing to live in an apartment, even to save money so we live in an expensive house that took forever to get because of our credit. So background info, messed up credit, messed up life, messed up marriage.
I love my husband, I do, but he was my first real boyfriend, and I'm starting to resent the decision I made, married young, kids too soon, no college education, etc. I have cheated on him. I know he deserves better and I want to either separate or get a divorce. I'm selfish here because I know a divorce is expensive and I don't have income to pay for a lawyer or anything. He has threatened to take the kids from me and make sure I'm stuck with nothing. I'm scared. I want to go to school and want to find a night job and be able to provide for myself and my kids, but he doesn't want me to if we're going to separate or divorce. I don't know what to do or where to go. I have visions of moving on my own and finding a job and going to school but all I can think is, how will I rent with bad credit, how will I pay for school and how will I be able to find time for my kids. Even if I start working soon (which I have been actively looking) it would take a while to be able to save up. My husband makes good money, but with all the bills (rent, vehicles, utilities etc) and extra spending his paycheck doesn't last long
I know I'm a terrible person because I'm using my husband for for money. But I just don't know how to go about leaving to start my own life and let him move on and our kids be in a better situation.
I've started hanging out more with friends and leaving more just because I can't stand being in the house or with him. He has become emotionally, verbally and sometimes physically abusive because of this. I know he loves me, but I can't even stand barely hugging or kissing him, his touches make me jump just because of some of the abuse but I can't get over it. He non stop tries touching me somewhere "inappropriate" and will do it in front of the kids, in public, but its always 24/7, I hate it.
I know I'm no good, I've been cheating for a year because of my unhappiness, I find happiness elsewhere but I don't want to put my issues on someone else either. I know I want to be single and do soemthing different than what I have.
No need to tell me how terrible of a person I am, I just don't know where to begin on leaving or trying to be amicable about things because I know he won't take it. Even though we've talked separation or divorce, neither of us goes through with it, me cause I'm scared being a SAHM with no family around and kids that would hopefully be with me and I don't know his reasoning.
I'm not looking for ridicule, advice would be nice, I'm just confused I guess and way depressed over everything and don't know what to do. Just needed to get things off my chest.