believer

not sure if I am responding to both previous post from swedish & dranconis?
To Dranconis - I agree that I have allowed him to repeatedly let me down, partly because I was not ready to take action from the information I had. Either it was I was a "new" mom again & just not in a state that I felt I could put my foot down & go out on my own. When I found out about the other child, I was still dealing with my self esteem issues from the affair & was still in the mind set that he chose to stay with me & was grateful & was afraid to do anything to drive him closer to the other woman. That is my biggest obstacle right now- that I feel that he has to be presented with the obvious and/or proof that he lied before he comes clean. I don't want to have to live my life always wondering & playing the "snoop". So if I decide to leave the relationship - that will probably be my deciding factor - that I am not able to trust again. And don't want to deal with the constant reality of the "other child".

To Swedish
That is what I am trying to decide - is he being "transparent" with me - he really seems to be making more of that effort in the last year. Due to him only moving out a few weeks ago, I am still adjusting ( I hate to admit it- enjoying my time alone). Prior to this, I was always giving of myself to him, the kids, work - to everyone but me. I have decided I am going to dedicate this time apart to me & find out what I like to do again, take care of myself & not feel guilty either spending the money or taking the time.
I know I will be OK if we decide to go our seperate ways because I have gone through the really tough emotional part already ( I am sure there will be more when/if we divorce) but I feel confident that I can do it on my own. I know he is having a much harder time right now with this due to: it wasn't his choice to move out, he is now having to grocery shop, take care of the girls 2x/week, cook, etc - all things I used to do for him - he had it soo easy.
Your point about "understanding why he strayed" I completely agree with & I admit to having some fault in our problems. I no longer blame myself for him making a very bad decision & breaking out marrital vows by committing adultery. I realize that he had options when that situation presented itself & he made the bad decision. After many long talks & reading self help books - I can see how I/we played a role in where our marriage was.
I feel that if we did decide to work things out - I know I have learned a lot about myself & would not make some of the same mistakes that we made in our marriage ( lack of communincation & not setting aside time for us/ date nights I think were our 2 biggest problems) - we became "roomates" & our lives became too routine.

Before I make the decision to try to work it out again & seek couples counseling - I am going to ask him for proof that nothing is going on with the other woman. I hate to ask but he has created that lack of trust factor - not me. I plan to ask him to show me his last year bank account files, I want to check his work emails & if he balks, I know that it is over. If he has nothing to hide, I may consider trying to rebuild that trust.
I do love him & he is a good father. We have had so many wonderful memories together & deep down I hope we can have many more. But again, I don't think I can bear to be hurt again & am not sure I should risk it based on his history.
I think he has tried to improve his ways but I am not sure if it is just wishful thinking & if I am seeing what I want to see? . . .

Regarding the other woman, I am not threated by her anymore & I even told him. I told him if he went with her I would feel sorry for him. I have been thinking if I do decide to work it out - what would "I" want to happened regarding the other child. My 7 & 2 year old know nothing about the 1/2 sister now. I am leaning towards keeping it that way. He currently sees the other child 2 nights/week. If we continue - I am going to demand more time with our family. I feel bad for the other child & her manipulative mother because this child did not choose these circumstance to enter the world. However, I did not choose to have such a complicated marriage as it has turned out to be. I do admit having choosen to stay thus far but am at the point of re- evaluating that choice & giving it carelful consideration.
whatever decision I choose - it is going to impact my life & my childrens lives forever & that is the weight I am currently carrying.

THANKS FOR YOUR ADVICE - please keep it coming as I have not share all of these detail with many. So venting & getting feedback it helpful.
Hopefully I can give you a supporting word when you need it most.