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A Question for men whose wives or girlfriends have cheated.

34K views 55 replies 30 participants last post by  UpsideDownWorld11 
#1 ·
Guys, there is a decidedly odious notion held by women that
we as men aren't emotional. I call bulls**t on that. After 10
years together, my wife decided to cheat on me for an entire
year. Sometimes she'd even f**k him in my own bed while
I was at work. My own bed!!

Now, I've moved on from being angry with her. She's still
my wife, and I still love her with every fiber of my being.
I don't trust her for sh*t, but I do love her. I found out
about her affair just last Friday, and we are getting a
divorce.

The hell of it is, I don't want the divorce. She says she
loves me, but needs to live on her own for a bit. I guess
the question I have for you guys is how do you cope with
the rage?

I'm okay with her living on her own. I've forgiven her for the
affair, as my behavior toward her often left her feeling lonely.
I never hurt or cheated on her, but I wasn't always as warm
and loving as I needed to be. She knew I loved her, but I
guess I didn't show it well enough.

So, when she's living on her own, she's going to have guys
over. I know this. I just can't stand the thought of it.
It's the only thing that's still driving me crazy. I can't tolerate
the thought of her with someone else. Guys, if you've been
through this, how do you quell the anger? :mad:
 
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#2 ·
Iam with you 110% i know how you feel as I am in same spot right now I have been married 9yr with three childern and she did the wrong on our anniversary and now it me and my three childern. Was i mad yep I was :mad::mad::mad::mad:.
It not easy to deal with but i have.
I said to my self,

I decide that i was better than this anger it didnot help me
or my childern and Iam worth more than this.I knew who I was and who I could be and this was my life and things i do my friends are worth more to me than this emotional rollercoaster.

Then acted on this but I shall say this it was not easy I remind myself of this almost daily. The next thing I did is to separate me from the issue and the hate the action she did not her.
Outside of this I started reading again as i like to read positive thinking books so I started again.
I would recommed John c. maxwell; thinking for a change.

I used what these books said to improve myself and change the way I feel.
i wish all the best
 
#54 · (Edited)
This.

If your wife is moving out she is either done with you or she wants a hall pass to **** who ever she wants while she's away.

I'd simply file D papers and see how she reacts
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#4 ·
I completely agree with Triton Having sex with the next woman to really move forward. We put the women we choose to love on a pedestal, try to treat them like a deity and not the flawed humans they really are. We like to think of them as special and it's only when you move on to the next that you see just how not special they were.
The trick is to figure this out before giving them all that power because they don't like giving it up or even sharing it.

I have been cheated on by my now Wife back when we were first dating, I forgave but revoked all trust points and had her start from scratch.
More like your situation though, My ex-girlfriend after 9 years of bring together dropped a bomb on me of wanting to break-up to be with other men. We still lived together for two weeks during which time she came and went as she pleased before changing her mind and asking me back. I was nothing but good to her before then and so she didn't have any way of placing the blame on me although she could have tried to blame my video game playing, weight gain, the hours I worked, the fact that I had a child from a previous relationship, etc, etc.
The point is though, that her cheating is not your fault because there are other ways of dealing with relationship issue, communication, counciling, just leaving the relationship before cheating. No that blaming your short commings is just a idck move, a cowardly thing cheaters do when caught with their pants down and back up against the wall, a last minute blame shift from her mistake.

Man, that whole "in your own bed" thing is too much. I would end a b_tch for that bold of a move, but she isn't worth it, trust me.
Trust me the best revenge is moving on strong, better yourself, get a hot peice to hang on your arm, that kind of thing.
I've had two ex's want to get back with me after I was with someone hotter than them or when they saw me happy again.
That's another part of their sick nature, like cheating to get their way or to prove a point.
 
#5 ·
I am a woman who struggled with Sexual Mismanagement for 20 years and have been sexually sober for over 5 years now. Your wife is struggling with sexual mismanagement and needs help. You did not cause this and cannot fix it. This is how she has learned to cope with her pain. I understand you are getting divorced, but if you have kids with her you need to encourage her to get help, for the sake of the kids. Otherwise they will grow up and learn the sames ways that she has, to cope with life. Even if you don't have kids, get help for yourself with a good counselor, before you choose to go sleep around and get yourself a hot babe for your right arm. There are pieces of you that need to heal and transform so that you don't go and attract another one like your wife, in a different body! Many blessings to you, I know this time is difficult! karenpohlman.com
 
#6 ·
love is a mismanged word. people don't cheat if they love someone. I feel anyway. They may come back and say I love my husband why am i doing this? And then quit loving you. But, for that time they quit. My wife cheated on my for over a year, with a married man. This happened over 2 years ago. I have forgiven her, but I still think about it--alot. Especially when I feel rejected. We get along great now. Not divorced...worked it out. I struggle alot though. The anger is still there at times. I chalk it up that she had the problem. I was not perfect at all, but noone is. Since the whole fiasco. The guy my wife cheated with lost his job for buying alcohol for minors. (he was a teacher on a field trip). I could not help but chuckle a bit. My wife almost left me for this bum! She had to have a personal low in self esteem. I love my wife more than anything. It sounds like you do to. If you don't want a divorce, don't agree to it. Make her do it!!!! It can be worked out. If so, you are in for a looooooooooonnnnnnnngggggggg haul. Good luck.
 
#12 ·
My ex wife cheated on me. while I was at home with our kids she f&cked a DJ at a bar. Went back to his place after work, and did pot, drank more alcohol and screwed him. Next day she tried to tell me he raped her while she was unconscious. Unfortunately for her there were 1/2 dozen witnesses that saw her making out with him and moaning from the bedroom later on. I divorced her, and later down the road tried to reconcile because I loved my kids and was willing to try to make it work with the mom. What I learned was this: No woman who cheats can change. Once it is done it becomes easier down the line to re-offend. Either that or it is a sign that deep down they are scarred and there is a personality flaw. This is true if the man is doing what a man is supposed to. My ex just liked to party, and was a habitual liar...she may have been sexy and INCREDIBLE in bed, but apparently everyone KNEW that! It isnt worth it. I realized when I was 18 sex and appearence of a girl was like #1 priority in choosing a girl, but as I got older it became less and less important. Now it is like #5 maybe. Honesty, commitment, and inside beauty is far more attractive in the long run
 
#13 ·
Ok guys. Allow a woman to share with you about cheating. You husbands might want to know some facts. First of all, cheating is never an easy step for women for it might take a long time struggling before your wife decided to cheat. By the time you found out, usually, she's been cheating for some time already. There're 2 different types of cheating in women perspectives. 1. She's unhappy with her husband for a hell long time and she's lonely. She DOESN'T want to get divorced because she still loves her husband as a family, not as her passionate lover.
2. She's in love with a man and she's ready to give up her marriage. She DOESN'T love her husband anymore, for kids reasons, she sacrificed herself in the marriage, sharing the same bed with a man who is the father of her kids. She DOESN'T love him anymore and doesn't want to be touched by him.
Both types of affairs have one thing in common, that is, it did take time before a wife puts cheating into action. She has thought over and over it and finally, it still took some time to plan for it. She always looked at you to see if she must do things in this way. Usually, by the time you find out, it's too late! It's very hard to find her passion back for you.
Besides, there's another type of cheating that most men have a better chance to get the wife back to love you faithfully - One night stand - this type of cheating was unplanned and it just happened. Usually the wife felt very sorry and regretful after such cheating.
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#14 ·
Yes. There are some women who just want to have fun. You should make a girlfriend who loves to party and is excellent in bed just to get good sex but marry a good girl who would spend time appreciating art, decorating her house and good in cooking. She might not be so hot in bed but she will less likely cheat on you unless you've been a jerk for a hell long time.
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#16 ·
Lol you're right, the moment she cheated, you can't change her mind unless it's one night stand when she didn't think too much.
It's possible after a wife learnt how to cheat, she will keep doing it and she knows how to hide it better next time.
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#18 ·
I believe big time women "plan to cheat". It's almost like "planning to get married" sometimes. And they've got their "reasons", deceptions and lies all lined up for their husband long before the PA takes place.

It is all so two faced, deceptive and incromprehensible. Well almost. But I've seen it happening.

Bob
 
#17 ·
The anger’s there for a reason. It’s nature. You’ve been hurt big time so you have big time anger.

Your anger is there to prevent you from doing things, right now probably not contacting or being anywhere near your wife. You need time for the anger to dissipate. You can help it on it’s way through very strenuous exercise. I got a very big punch bag and knocked the hell out of it. It really helped.

You are right, we do have emotions, very deep and very strong emotions.

Bob
 
#19 ·
Nowadays, it's very easy to fool around and hard to keep the faith. If you can find good women, make sure you're a good husband. If If a husband keeps being a jerk, yes a good wife won't cheat on him because she wants to get divorced first.
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#20 ·
How to control your anger? When you still get mad simply because you still love her madly. When you don't care about her anymore, you will find your anger fading away by itself.
So you have to ask yourself. Do you still WANT to love this cheater? When you choose yes, you can't complain but love your choice and love who she is.
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#21 ·
Okay, so far this thread is not very helpful to you. Cheating is tough. Women do it for a variety of reasons, all of which are selfish, and stem from an unwillingness to communicate or end things without creating a soft landing. But, hell, so do men.

Your question was: "Guys, if you've been through this, how do you quell the anger?"

Here's how. First, you make it you singular goal in life to BE OKAY, NO MATTER WHAT. When our women go crazy and hurt us, it is the biggest mind f*ck of your life, and the your feelings of rage, anger, sadness are all normal. The challenge for you now is to move past it and focus on YOUR OWN HAPPINESS.

You can't control her. The more you try, the less she will respond to you.

So how do you focus on YOUR OWN HAPPINESS?

- Exercise. Hit the gym, join a drop-in basketball, join the Y. Whatever it is, do physical things. These release positive endorphines, help you channel your energy into something good for you, and have the bonus of getting you out of the house.

- Diet. Eat healthy foods. Your body is a reflection of what you put in it. When my wife cheated and left, I smoked, drank, ate like **** for months, lost 25lbs, slept terribly, and was a zombie. It's not worth it. I just felt like sh@t.

- Understand that every word out of her mouth is self-justifying bullsh@t. She has acted like a 1st class c*nt. You didn't do anything to deserve it. It's NOT YOUR FAULT. Don't let what ever lies, justifications, or whatever she spews turn you around on yourself. All marriages have problems. No one is perfect. The marriages that succeed, do so because the partners communicate with each other. They don't step out.

- Understand that "Affairs are a rebellion, and an attempt to find another version of ourselves. As Esther Perel puts it, 'it is not our partners we seek to leave but ourselves'." (Quote from Peter Fox, and excellent resource for info on this - Fidelity summary and internal links)

So her reasons have nothing to do with you, and everything to do with her. The other guy wasn't better/hotter/whatever. He was a piece of sh@t, f&cking loser who violated the brotherhood. He should have his balls cut off.

- Focus on things that make you HAPPY. It took me months to ever figure out what made me happy. I hadn't done things for myself in years. I realized, going to a movie alone was fun. Going for a nice lunch and people watching was fun. Getting a massage, felt good. Flirting with women was fun.

Figure out the things you like doing or always wanted to do and start doing them.

The more you get your own life in order, the more she'll notice and realize what an idiot she's been. This may or may not lead to reconciliation, if that's your choice, but you'll come out the other side way better off.

Be strong. Hope this helps.
 
#34 ·
This is a good post.

But, there's an element here that I think is missing.

The "rage" you speak of is a part of you. But, it's only a part.

The process of "setting aside" that rage will include going back in time to resolve those issues that have you working AGAINST yourself.

We all do it. People are their own worst enemies. We bring about what we fear by being reactive - instead of focusing like a laser on what actually works for us.

So, do the exercise. Do the diet. But, also do the mind work. In fact, the mind work may make the first two more effective. When you resolve your own issues, the rage will subside (almost like magic) and you will see clearly what you need to to.
 
#22 ·
However, there's something you can do to deal with your anger. It might sound dumb but it works. Set an alarm to allow yourself getting very angry for 30 mins. When time's up, you should go kiss and hug your wife because you love her. Better find a quiet and private place to enjoy your anger alone! Give yourself everyday 30 mins to get angry. Look at the mirro and see your angry face.
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#23 ·
I disagree with MsLonely. If your wife wants to divorce and time to "find herself" that usually means the affair is still active and she wants space to carry it on.

If that is the case, the best thing you can do it go no-contact with her. If you can, be pleasant but aloof. Don't give too much info. DO NOT share your feelings. Assume she is the enemy right now.

There is a very clear path to healing after an affair that involves the following:

- No CONTACT
- Full disclosure of the details
- Transparency - you get all email passwords, cell phone access, etc.
- Clear demonstration of remorse.
- Counseling for her. Marriage counseling for both of you.

If the above are not in place, you are not in a marriage. Until they are, do not try to win her back, communicate your feelings, forgive her, or try to work on the marriage. You'll just continue to get screwed over.

If she wants to be single, she has an agenda she isn't sharing with you.

Sorry.
 
#26 ·
Quote:If she wants to be single, she has an agenda she isn't sharing with you.

This is sad but true. Like I said, women have thought a lot before they stepped out for affairs. By the time you found out, usually it's been a while and very difficult to win her love back. :( unless she said she still loves you. There's a dog chance. Let's say you must work hard to prove her that you're the man. However, when she said she doesn't love you. She meant it. She's given up her marriage long ago, long before you found out her affairs.
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#27 ·
Mslonely - didn't mean it as a criticism of you, I just disagree. If she wants out right now, than any pleading, I'll be a better husband, kind of stuff will just drive her away.

Believe me, I've been there and done that. It just served to humiliate myself. Most women are drawn to confident men who have control of their lives. Getting happy will only make him more attractive.

I ended up reconciling with my wife after two 1-year separations. She only got interested in me when I'd moved on and gotten my life in order. The needy, desperate version of me, was a huge turn off.
 
#28 ·
Therefore, you have to find out her true feelings. Did she say she still love you but not in love with you or did she say she doesn't love you anymore? If she belongs to the later, she's given up her marriage long ago. Nothing is gonna change her mind for you.
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#29 ·
Yes, you're totally right. When there's still hope, she said she still love you, that meant you must work hard and first thing would be putting yourself in order. Be confident, healthy and happy! Taking care of yourself well makes you more attractive!
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#31 ·
Quote: The needy, desperate version of me, was a huge turn off.

It happened to me as a huge turn off when I had given up my ex-husband and my love was dead. I'm happy now he has moved on his life and I wish him all the best and I will stay far away from him.

The needy version of my current husband only softened my heart. I will stop being mad at him as soon he shows me an innocent poor look because I still love him.

It's very simple. When a woman loves you, even you're a piece of wood, she loves you. When a woman doesn't love you, even you become a piece of gold, she's happy for you but she prefers to stay with that piece of wood. It doesn't make sense for men but it does make sense for women. "Love" is the key.
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