| | Re: Spectators in CWI
When I first discovered my WWs secret facebook account, I was devastated. But that's all I had at the time. I talked to a friend who had NOT been through infidelity, and I got bad advice: to go ahead and confront her about it. So I did. All I got was "He's just a friend". I got the denials and I was gaslighted.
I WISH I had gone online and found a support forum like this one, so I could listen to others who have been through this. I learned that I confronted too early. It would have saved me the agony of being continually lied to. I didn't know about the slippery slope, or even about EAs and PAs. I didn't know about the difference between remorse and regret. I didn't know about rug sweeping. I didn't know about VARs or keyloggers. I didn't know about the red flags of affairs. If I had just gone on the internet and gotten the advice of those who had been through this before me, I could have taken the appropriate measures and possibly have nipped this in the bud.
Before this happened, I too thought our marriage was rock solid, having survived 23 years of military life, all the deployments, the unaccompanied tours, the odd hours, the shift work, etc, etc, etc. I thought my wife was one of the most honest people in the world. We did everything together, we talk all the time. I was proud of her. Yet all it took for her to fall was something that she had never experiened: reconnecting with an old HS BF via facebook.
So having been burned by listening to the advice of someone who didn't know jack sh!t about infidelity, I would rather listen to the voices of experience - those who have been through it and know what to do. I would hope to pass my hard won knowledge off to others in the hope that they can avoid the same mistakes I've made.
Because that's how we make progress: We learn from our mistakes and the mistakes of others.
Those who haven't been through it and say the advice is crazy from those who have, have their head in the sand. Don't be too sure it won't happen to you. It doesn't matter how long you've been married or how solid you THINK your marriage is. It can happen.
My first marriage ended because of my first wife's affair with a college classmate. But I was scarred for a very long time. I should have recognized the red flags from the first time, but it happened a long time ago, and I was feeling secure.
Last edited by lordmayhem; 05-12-2012 at 11:14 AM.