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Old 05-13-2012, 06:12 PM   #1 (permalink)
Quaintrelle
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Default Husband withholding sex

My husband has made it very clear to me that he no longer finds me attractive and refuses to have sex with me. We haven't had any kind of sexual contact since Christmas.

I take responsibility for some of this. The issue is my weight - I have gained a fair bit of weight in the time we've been together. This has in part been caused by medication I am on - I am a breast cancer survivor and now have to take a few hormonal medications, long term. Weight gain is a side effect of those meds. However, it's not all the fault of the drugs and I have taken to really watching what I eat and exercising every day. Serious exercise too, not just a walk around the block. Weight is coming off but very, very slowly (and that is the fault of the drugs).

He's now withholding sex until I lose a sufficient amount of weight. And withholding other stuff too. Like, apparently I'm too fat to go on vacation with this year, so that's not happening. He's going away by himself.

But, it's not really the what, but the how. What has upset me much more than this rejection of me (though that does sting quite a bit) is the way he's gone about it. Had he chosen to bring up the issue of my weight and its consequences with me with love, concern, respect, and in a way that would allow me to handle the problem with some dignity, I'd be in a much better place about it all. Instead though, he did it with anger, yelling, insults and vile name-calling, and the intention of causing massive hurt and humiliation. And boy, did he hit the target. My confidence and self-esteem is in shreds. I can no longer be naked around him and have taken to covering up in bed (I've always slept naked, Summer or Winter), not letting him see me in the shower, all that stuff.

All this has serious consequences for me. I know I can heal a great deal of this myself, but I fear my feelings towards him have been changed forever. When I am feeling better and more confident about my body, I can't right now imagine giving myself to him sexually again. He's been so horrible about it, I now don't feel that I can be vulnerable with him, especially vulnerable and naked. I also feel that when I get my mojo back, he doesn't deserve to have it handed to him on a platter ("Hope I'm skinny enough for you now!"). I'm not interested in getting revenge or playing games, I just feel right now that I can't be bothered casting any more pearls before swine. I'm worried this will snowball into being the end of my relationship.

Anyone else gone through this? How did you handle it?
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