Suppressed

Wow. Thanks everybody for the outpouring of support! That's really lovely, and a bit unexpected.

Just want to answer a few things...

First off, I am losing the weight for myself and not for him. I've done it before and I'll do it again. I know what a confidence booster it is. It's a crucial part of me healing myself. I want to be the person I was again.

Thanks for weighing in (no pun intended). I was really hoping for a man's point of view here. You're absolutely right. I think we do need counselling. I have so much to say and work through, and I want to do it with an independent arbiter, otherwise he'll just shut me down. I think I can only make a comfortable and informed decision about staying or going if we've tried that.

Forgiveness, love and kindness is all I've really ever wanted from him, but it's always been in short supply. I've come to the conclusion that he needs to learn empathy, which is a) something a professional should probably decide and b) something only a professional can help him with. Missing that little piece of humanity and not being able to handle anger is something that spills over into all other areas of our relationship. Without empathy you can't show kindness or compassion, or even feel regret, which is an important ingredient in a sincere apology. Consequently, I've never really had one from him for anything.

No, I don't think so, but I intend to tell him. Soon too, now that I'm able to talk rationally about the situation instead of crying my eyes out. Second part, I don't know. This is a discussion I'd really like to have with a counsellor present.

Ok. I know how this looks. But it's not terribly unusual for us. His friends and family are in another state, and once a year he goes back to visit them, for the most part without me. Always has. Not that I've ever been happy about it, but he needs it and I tolerate it. I suggested a nice vacation elsewhere for this year, just the two of us (something I really need), and he refused, citing my weight. I'm pretty sure the real reason is a) he's always been selfish about this, and b) my suggestion involved flying somewhere. He's terrified of flying. He is unwilling to bend on either of these issues.

I'm also no longer prepared to content myself with whatever crumbs of his time he's prepared to throw me after he's had fun with his friends. I'd rather go off and have some quality time without him.

I know. I hear ya. But he is a master at this and the regularity with which he does this is now intolerable. I've made that excuse for him sooo many times over the years, it's time to stop. And they're not just flimsy words I can brush off. In this latest round he has called me a "fat fu#%*ng lummox" and "unfu#!%ble", amongst others. When I was having treatment, was bald, sick and at my lowest ebb ever in my life, he couldn't handle the way I looked then either. He told me that if I wanted physical affection it wasn't going to come from him and that I should "have an affair or see a male prostitute". Nice.

I don't think words like that are things that can be waved away with the excuse that they were said in anger. I think it's time he got that under control. As long as he says it was just in anger, he avoids taking responsibility for his words and actions. Time for that to stop.


Hmm. Writing all this makes me wonder why I do stay! I guess I really want to give it one good try with a counsellor, properly, before I decide to leave.