| | Re: Contact after the No Contact Letter
The period following the initial DDay is very tough. If your husband had a strong bond with this woman, if he was having a lot of emotional needs met by her, his affair fog will be strong. The compulsion to contact her will remain strong for quite some time.
But there has to be a marriage to return to. Punishing your husband through anger is not a long term solution. I found the more anger / hostility I expressed, the less remorse I saw in him. Conversely, seeing him telling me in writing how sorry he was helped me a lot. Before that I was seething and raking him over the coals almost daily.
I realize that your largest issue is not knowing the full truth. I'm sure you've had this conversation, but at least 3 separate times I sat my husband down and said, you had better be telling me everything, because if I find anything major that you have not disclosed from here on out, we are done. I said this to him that many times because I wanted to give him every opportunity to come clean.
The other thing was, our MC is trained in infidelity and he told me, in front of my husband, to install GPS and backup software on his phone. He said it would calm my anxiety and give my H a chance to prove himself. My husband very readily agreed to this. I find myself skipping several days now between checking, down from several times a day. Since everything is logged I'm still able to see everything. He also checks in with me throughout the day via phone calls and texts of his own volition.
Such tight tabs are not a long-term solution. They did take me out of hyper-vigilance, the state of 'flight or fight.' At some point I will stop altogether with the knowledge that there are no additional chances for him. It would break my heart if he cannot in the end stay true to me, but that is one thing a long term affair will do for you, it gives you plenty of time to get used to the idea of living without them.