frustratedinphx

My husband and I have been married for almost 6 years (together almost 8) and have a 3YO son. I'm due in less than 2 weeks with our second child. We both work F/T, though I'm cutting back due to my impending delivery. Up until this point we've had a pretty rocky relationship. It may have been a mistake to get pregnant with our 2nd, but I'm an eternal optimist and thought we could work it out.

We were raised very differently- his mom was a SAHM and admittedly doted on his dad and did everything for him. I was raised by nannies and later on a latch-key kid and my dad shared the chores. I believe he expects me to be the wife his mom was to his dad (do all the cooking/cleaning/laundry/day-to-day stuff) and I can't do it all by myself and do the kind of work that I do. I work a job that regularly demands my attention 7 days a week and late nights too. It is more flexible, so where I am home at 5P, it doesn't mean my day is done. Actually until recently, he worked from home so that's probably no excuse. It just means I have to stay up late and finish. He's also resentful of me working on weekends saying that he gets no down time, but he doesn't realize that I'm out working- not at the spa... He is pretty successful with his career and hands-down makes more $ than me but I'm no schlep with what I bring in.

We're both really sarcastic by nature and have probably said some things to each other that husbands and wives just should say, but at some point during our relationship I realized that it just wasn't healthy so I stopped doing it and asked that he be more conscious about it too. Since then, I've been called "a piece of s*&t", a "f'in *****" and a few other choice names all of which has been so degrading to me particularly since I'm pregnant and assume just more hormonal than usual. He's thrown out things in our arguments that are so mean and hurtful, accused me of being depressed, a bad mother, etc.- just plain mean things that I wouldn't say to my worst enemy. I'm just not sure I can ever look at him the same way.

Our sex life sucks- I rejected him sexually for about a year or 2 after our 1st was born due to trauma from childbirth (sex was really painful for me), his increasingly mean nature which just turned me off big-time and pressure from starting a new career. After I realized that it really was going to hurt our marriage I tried to see things his way but the tables had turned and he rejected me sexually. It's a miracle we even got pregnant because for month after month, we'd be arguing when I was ovulating- hence no sex.

In an even more cruel twist of fate, I became so incredibly horny during my 2nd trimester and he wants NOTHING to do with me. One night I asked him if he would ever have sex with me again and he said he wasn't attracted to me while I was pregnant and that he wouldn't have sex with me again unless he got a vasectomy because he never wanted any more kids with me- OUCH! Let me clarify that I'm a pretty-good looking woman. I've never had any trouble getting attention from the opposite sex and this pregnancy has really agreed with me- I've not gained much weight and what I have gained has gone only to my stomach and my chest.

Until recently he was very tired of his job and had withdrawn from me for a period of years. I suspect he was depressed and a few friends have suspected that he was bi-polar by some of his actions. He wouldn't shower/shave or get dressed for days. Now he appears to be much happier but after everything we've been through I'm having a hard time accepting him and his "new/old self" to get back on track. He still stays up late, won't wake up in the morning and never really wants to spend any kind of alone time with me other than watching TV. I've just about given up on "date night" A) because if i don't plan it, it won't happen and B) he hates all my ideas of things to do anyway.

In the last 9 mos. and it's been a roller coaster ride from hell. During this time, we've talked about splitting up, have spent more time with a counselor (this year will be our 3rd year in therapy- on 3rd & much better therapist), have endured more mud-slinging than I can bear and new issues have come up...

To make things more complicated, during a really rough time, I confided in a pretty good friend that I worked with before I quit my last corporate job to be a mother. He was very supportive but adamant that it was time to move on. Then, it turns out he had feelings for me that were still very much present. One thing led to another and I confessed some deeply buried feelings for him too. He lives in another state so even though the nature of our relationship changed, we couldn't really act upon it. However our chats (IM) have become extremely sexual in nature. He's extremely complimentary and has no trouble in telling me how attracted he is to me. So in a moment of stupidity, I book a ticket to see him but planed my weekend so that I was really busy and wouldn't have that much time to spend with him. The sexual connection was intense but after some mild messing around one night (he is not repulsed by me even at 8 mos. pregnant) I couldn't bring myself to sleep with him out of tremendous guilt. I went home determined to make my marriage work and end the non-platonic relationship with my "friend". Unfortunately for me, my ass of a husband was a jerk to me from the moment he picked me up from the airport- not uncommon so I figured I was back to square 1.

Except that now I'm extremely sexually frustrated, aggravated with him, hormonal and am contemplating leaving. BUT the option of being a single, working mother with 2 small babies is truly my worst nightmare. At this point, I'm planning to meet my "friend" for a weekend of fun but don't know that I want to go there since I've never been one for casual sex and don't want to be used even if I'm doing half of the using. I know it's stupid, but I'm so disenchanted from my marriage that the thought of it doesn't even bother me that much anymore. "My friend" said we were perfect for each other but because of anticipated drama from the prospect of leaving my husband he wouldn't be interested in anything more than something physical. Whatever- I'm taking it all with a grain of salt even though I think about him often- probably because of the positive attention I can get from him.

Am I missing something with my husband? We've both made mistakes- I've tried to rectify some, but I just don't know if we can get back on track. On paper, he's a good man, but his inner demons are awful (I actually started to contemplate suicide last summer over the way he treated me). Counceling, talking and even intervention from his family haven't worked. I don't want to spend my life with someone who will never make me and our marriage a priority (he doesn't think there is anything wrong with the way things are and that we need anymore counseling- I completely disagree). I especially don't want to wake up 10 years from now at 42 and think what the hell have I done with my life. I know I'm no angel, but I just don't know what to do next. I'll sit tight until the new baby is at least a few months old and re-evaluate but I'm looking for some really insight from others who might understand what my husband is thinking or whether I'm beating a dead horse. I just don't know what is a "normal" marriage anymore and am trying to figure out whether I can fix what I have or realize that it's just beating a dead horse. Please help me to figure out whether there is anything left to save... Thanks and I apologize for the long post- just didn't want to leave anything out and misrepresent anything.