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For BS...does the "I love you" statement bother you the most?

8K views 53 replies 27 participants last post by  BigLiam 
#1 ·
What I mean, is for those of you betrayed spouses, if your spouse said I love you to someone else does that bother you the most?

H said it in one email I saw to the OW...he said it didn't mean anything because it was online and he was just going with it..it was easier to type this crap out..he got caught up in the flirting, etc. Of course he claimed that she was the one that started everything...

Everyime, though, I think about it..it kind of tears me up inside. That is the one thing I haven't told those that know about our situation because I am scared of their reaction. Maybe thinking it was more serious than what it was..I don't know.
 
#2 ·
On the one hand, saying "I love you" via email to another women is just empty words. How can he possibly REALLY love this OW if his involvement is words only. Anyone can type words into a computer, on an email, and press "send". It doesn't make it so.

However, if this relationship has gone beyond the typed words; to voice and visits, AND email, THEN you might have something to worry about. If this relationship has lasted for YEARS, then you might have something to worry about.

So no. For me, those "words" don't put in a dent in the total betrayal of my spouse. If it was only "words", we would probably still be together.
 
#5 ·
No nothing physical happened...she lives across the ocean. They met while he was working overseas...when she noticed he was from Canada..she came at him hard.

They continued to email for the last 7 months or so after he left her country.

H was on antidepressants for a couple of years which he has since been weaned off since winter...these pills have left him void of any romantic feelings/no libido, etc. so while it is hard for me as well it also consoles me that he had no real romantic feeling for her...he was just flattered by her attention, ego boosting, etc. He is a nice person and I think she sensed that and wanted a better life over here so she came at him with everythng she had. Not excusing him and his actions though...

He said he was flattered but due to the numbness from the pills he never had any romantic/sexual desire for her.
 
#4 ·
You know, I don't know if he ever said it. If he did, it was to a fake person, not that that would make a difference. At this point, I don't think it would really matter. His brain on cheating was warped, and since it isn't warped now, if he did say it then, it holds no meaning now.
 
#7 ·
That w: the worst part of my WW EA,she said it to him 15-20 times in text,phone and a Couple times in person,it haunts the sh!t out of me
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#13 ·
If I can get past this kind of stuff (each paragraph is an email from 3 years ago from my H to his AP) you can overcome a simple "I love you":

You are too good. Please, tell me your needs, your feelings. Better to be open. And lover, you're never a "burden" or whatever to me. Seriously, every minute with you is amazing. I will always seek to understand -- and hopefully the two of us don't have to try too hard to be attuned to each other.
[her nickname for him] for the rest of my life.

[AP], Hi! Doing this from my bb... :). While the kids fall asleep.
We're both so funny. Feel the same way about ourselves and each other, to an extent. Every time with u, I'm at peace -- and in awe. Can't believe you love me....
[her nickname for him] always

[AP], u r an amazing woman. For the rest of my days, I will adore you. There's plenty in life to worry about, but don't worry, or wonder, about me. How I see you is unshakable, unchanging. All I want, is to experience life with you, be with you, and, God, make you happy. Anywho... 'nite, best friend, soulmate, stunningly beautiful woman.

ALWAYS. Never doubt. Thinking about you all day... It's hard, but hard only 'cause love you. Thank you, [his nickname for her]. You are so good to me... Hope I am to you...
I have a list as long as my arm of the stuff I know about her that he never found out. He never asked. He called her his soulmate, but she WASN'T his soulmate. He said that he LOVED her, but it was infatuation. He was too busy b*tching about me to be bothered to actually get to know her.

He was able (by keeping it secret) to go through the whole arc of the affair. From crazy "in love" to "warm fuzzies." Right after DD#2, he told me that the one thing he remembered after DD#1 was when I explained to him that their relationship did not exist in the real world. They never had any conflict, because they never spent any significant time together. She never criticized him, and he only validated her.

What WAS real was the emptiness he had that he filled by talking to her. What was also real was how painfully far I had pushed him away until he felt this was his only recourse. That does not mean that I feel responsible for his choice. But I was more than responsible for the vulnerable state of our marriage.

And that is something I think about from time to time. If the BS has stuff that they need to be forgiven for, it makes it easier to forgive the WS for their stupid choice. But then, a cheater who betrays a spouse who did nothing more than fail to be a mindreader has much more serious issues than my husband ever did--all these things he said to his AP notwithstanding.
 
#14 · (Edited)
Saying it not as much as showing it to her through acts and deeds. He sacrificed me for her...his words dont mean much but his actions scream.

-But THAT wasnt TRUE love. You have to actually know that person to love them....He knew what she wanted him to know, nothing more. So keep in mind, those are just words said by a somewhat 'insane'(in the fog) person at the time.

Ask him something as simple as her parents names, siblings names, her biggest fear, her biggest accomplishements....He doesnt know. Ask him what she compliments HIM on- NOW YOURE SPEAKING HIS LANGUAGE.
 
#16 ·
Yes, it hurts a lot. She ended EVERY single message with "I love you! Muahh!" She called him the love of her life and how God brought them together again. She even sent him a shirt and a rosary. But what hurts are the I love yous. She trickle truthed me by saying she never said that to him, that it was only him who said it.
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#21 ·
It hurt me a lot, but it also helped me realise what kind of a woman my wife was. My wife said it to her AP... a lot. The very first day I set up my VAR, and she was gushing compliments and saying things like "Do you know how much I love you? Loads, more than you can imagine." etc...

What hurt me the most is that before all this had come out, I'd had the I love you but not in love with you speech. I had also tried so hard with her, and everytime I had told her I loved her, I just got "Thanks." or "I know." She never said it back. It is clear why.

Whenever she was trying to guilt me or was shedding crocodile tears in front of me, I just remembered how I felt when I heard her say those words to him.
 
#22 ·
Yeah,you kinda feel like the back up,tho she swears it isnt true,shows me lots of love and found out what the OM really is like,total loser who moves in with women so he has a place to live other than his sh!ty little trailer.
So I know I'm not the backup plan but it sure feels like it sometimes
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#23 ·
To be honest, its not at the top of my list of gripes, and i dont know why. I never saw any communication between my H and his AP but he did tell me he loved her when it was going on. Now he tells me he NEVER loved her and that it was all just false. Ive kind of bought into this whole affair fog thing, i really do think it exists, and when i ask my H about certain aspects of the A now, he is so embarrassed and so just like "WTF was i thinking" that i do believe he never really loved her.
 
#29 ·
My husband said he wanted to keep the affair going for as long as possible, two years or 20. He later denied that.

He saved her clothing, he later denied that.

He said he could never feel sexual toward me, I was like his sister and she was his lover. He later denied it.

He claims he never said he loved her but, worse, based on the emails I received, he showed her he loved her, when he was complaining about me being intellectual and she was soooooooo much fuuuuuuuuun.

This serial cheater woman would have spent him into oblivion and if he put his foot down, she would start to run on him. Her husband spoils her and she runs on him repeatedly.
 
#25 ·
My wife claims that she never said that to him, but it really doesn't make any difference to me how she describes her feelings for him. I think I might even accept the feelings had I known about them from her.

The absolutely worst part for me is, that I was sooo blind and ignorant, that I never even considered for a second, that cheating could possibly be part of my marriage. I remember thinking that I would run for the prize "happiest man in the country" - do I feel stupid?

The words are just words - or maybe descriptions of feelings - and feelings are just.... feelings :)
 
#27 ·
In my situation I thought what is wrong with his OW in that instead of being with a guy in Singpapore that she could actually go out on a date with, see in person, etc. etc. instead she is clinging to this online relationship with someone from another country?

To be telling H..I am going to love you forever, sending him some love song lyrics from some boy band, etc. etc.

Another thing that angered me was I saw an email in which she said Happy 9 month anniversary to him...I guess she sent this to him in March marking 9 months from the day they met in June while he was working over in Singpaore...**** he is married to someone else you ****ing loser and you know that!
 
#44 · (Edited)
**You know what pisses me off the most,,,,, the songs because I can tell that they talked about their love of popular artist, and I'll be dammed if he doesn't crank the Adele on certain songs!! No one takes my Adele from me because I liked her since her first album and I refuse to let any of her songs remind me of their stupid online affair!!

Adele is mine-dang it all:smthumbup:
 
#30 ·
I think part of it is when they are confronted with it..it does sound stupid and lame after the fact.

I am sure that when I was reading H's and OW's emails out loud to him, I highly doubted they sounded fun, flirtatious and romantic at that point...especially when your wife is reading them back to you.

I do think that online that it is easier to be flirtatious, fun and romantic for alot of people..easier than in person. I know for myself that it would be alot easier to flirt with a guy online than in person.
 
#32 ·
And here's something strange- You asked if the "I love you" bothers you most right? Well in a way, the answer is -yes. But, it bothers me when he says it to me. He says "I love you" to me and Im struggling with that b/c the instant answer in my mind(though I know he does)is "really, then why the hell did you spend a year chasing some other chick at my expense? Thats love to you?" It hits me like that 95% of the time when he says "I love you". I am struggling to say it back to him. In fact, I havent said it. Its not that I dont(God knows I do or I wouldnt put myself thru this)I just struggle with saying it. Because I dont feel the 'same' love for him. So IM struggling to define what I feel. Anyone understand that?
 
#33 ·
I agree. How can you love someone and start dating another woman and spending time and money on her so thoughtlessly?

I don't think it's possible. I feel that on some level my husband must hate me but wants to stay because it's cheaper to keep her.

I had so many opportunities to cheat. I did not. I knew it would hurt my husband and my marriage and like drugs, I just said "no"

I still love my husband at this point, but also hate him. The love is changed, because of the distrust.

The fact that I was so blind and telling people what a great guy he was right smack as he was having an affair, makes me distrust myself, too.
 
#45 ·
Yes, it was the nail that ultimately killed it all for me. The feelings behind the words she said, "I love you and I know I shouldn't, and I am not going to stop"... were more than I could ultimately get over. Because if she loved him, then she didn't love me. She was lying to one of us! Whether it was "infatutuation" or real love or whatever, it doesn't matter. She felt it, she said it, she acknowledged it. Despite her protests of it being fog talk, blah blah blah. She trickle truthed about it, knew it was wrong, knew it would kill me. And it did when I read the text.
 
#51 ·
for those of you claiming I Love You---are just words, being typed, or a way of being flirtatius, behind a computer----you got your heads in the sand

If the person sending the message wants to end the message , and there is nothing going on---it would be ----see ya, be good, nice talking to you, take it easy, will talk at you later, yours, enjoy yourself-----those are ways to end a note/letter/message----NOT I LOVE YOU----I Love You---is reserved for family, spouse, kids, and maybe an extremely good friend of the same sex, who you have shared a long life with----to say it to some strange person, you are sending multiple texts/e-mails/phone calls with ---is way beyond any boundaries

Saying I Love You----shows your mindset---why would you even say it, unless it was MEANT to be said, and for the wayword spouse using those words, and denying the seriousness of using them, is just another lie out of their mouth, and some more total BS, by them.
 
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