cao428

Hi Nomore,

Thank you for the response and all of the time you put into it! It did help me think and see things more clearly.

Yes the silent treatment...but I did the same right before as soon as I saw he got a response from that job in China as I was devasted....just more of the same. I didn't do it to be mean I just couldn't talk to him. I did tell him when he asked what was wrong.

[I]"I'm not surprised that your H is looking for a job in China, as his EA with this gal has lasted a long time, and he took it a step farther in sending MARITAL funds to her. That is just wrong on so many levels that it makes my stomach turn. Does this gal know he's married? Have you ever tried to confront her yourself? "

Yes I did call her on the phone from the number I found in his wallet, in China 4 years ago and was very emotional the first time saying that she slept with my husband and I wanted it to stop. She was in tears and responded "No just friends!"

Then I called her a second time and talked to her in a more calm discussion. She told me she talked with my husband at great length about our marriage and he had told her I yell at him (This is a LIE! I would try to talk to him to communicate when we had a fight to work it out and he would interpret it as attacking him) and he told her was going to leave me. She said she told him he should try to work it out. She said she felt hurt when I came to visit him in China with our daughter mid-year that he told her I wanted nothing to do with her. She said she wanted to talk to me and tell me I needed to stop yelling at him to try to help. In reality I asked where "the girls that worked for him" were and he told me that she had gone home and wasn't around and at the time (I thought she was just a college kid working for him and had no idea what was really going on.) I never dreamed he would cheat on me with a 20 year old emotionally! She is our son's age! Last time I talked to her she said she would severe all contact with him. I also know she is very intelligent and was studying to be a Dr. at the time. I have since found out her father is a well-known doctor in China...so she comes from some $.

He knows I will not be alright with what he has been doing. I think what he IS doing is carrying on contact and friendship with her so that if our marriage ends he will have her. I believe he sent the money to her because she graduated from college...It was July last year and I can do the math. I think he feels very insecure about our marriage after what just happened, and as you said this is an ongoing relationship/friendship. You would think he would try even harder now wouldn't you? He puts little effort into staying connected with me when he's away (first time since this near divorce). Even though we just had out 25th anniversary and have been getting along great...still now I feel like I am out of sight/out of mind. Him applying for that job was like a knife in my gut. Even my therapist said no headhunter will send a resume to a company without your consent.

As for the money yes, I now have only the rent checks that tenants pay us once a month. He left me no cash going away on a month-long job. I have thought of telling him I will be keeping $1000 of them to myself for security if he doesn't leave me anything. After all I am working renting apartments, wallpapering, hiring contractors, signing paperwork...managing the business. (all but the bookkeeping) I have also thought I would simply tell him we need to have a joint business account again for the rental property business, and a household one for me to pay the extra things. But you have to understand in January I took 1/2 of the cash in the bank to divorce him...but because of what HE DID again...Yes MARITAL money sent to her without my knowledge. So now especially with his P/A behavior he will not trust ME.

It IS wrong on so many levels what he has done sending her money. But I was in a tough position then because we had to move out of a big house we were renting into a smaller space...no way I could have done it without him. Now we are in a duplex WE own and the expenses are MUCH less...so if the marriage ends I will be able to survive. As my girlfriend put it I will have "squatters rights". But I also have my 19 year old college daughter with us..I moved here with open heart though hoping for a new start,relationship turnaround, and I still hope for that, but I feel discouraged now. When we moved though I have to say he seemed to be trying and seemed to be happier. We would walk downtown holding hands. It is empty nest time for us.

The other thing I am thinking of doing is telling him this is not going to work if he doesn't give me $ when he leaves, and he is going to have to make a commitment to the marriage, go to therapy as promised and trust me. If he doesn't do what he has been doing I won't divorce him...and he should be able to trust me, but I don't think he will....(give me $) If he doesn't then I think I will leave him. I have put up with way too much as you said! I really want him to find a job locally and not travel for work anymore. I might throw that into the mix. Do you think I should make him and ultimatum? I never liked to do that...and I don't think it would work anyway.

"Someone else on this board did an exercise when they were caught up in "but I love her" where essentially they made a list of all the things they would really be losing. In your case it would be something like, a liar, a cheater, a thief (in re the marital funds), a controlling abuser. When I did this exercise, it helped put my situation in perspective. I wasn't really losing anything I wanted to hang onto."

Yes you are right, and I have overlooked the lies over the many years when they didn't affect me or the kids directly and it was innocent storytelling, but now that they do I am thinking twice. Except, I would be shocked in therapy how he would tell a story to the therapist about our interaction that was a total lie...it made the therapy ineffective, and I would get really angry after the session. I have had also had so much trouble communicating with him because he would say "I have told you that many times" when I know he hasn't once, or he will change a story. Why isn't it that therapists aren't tuned in to this behavior? Is it something new? Even now I felt like I was the one telling my new therapist about it.

My new therapist just said I need to decide what I want to do, and her assessment of what I was telling her was he wants me there when he comes home, but when he goes away he wants to "do what he wants" and he has had all of the power in the relationship. She was right on. And now I have even less power if he keeps the $ from me....so if that's the case it will not last. I do not want a marriage of convenience...I have too much passion for life, and too much love to give and receive.

We shall see. I only know I feel very discouraged and I am thinking about a better life with a sweet man out there whom will appreciate me as I deserve. I have been a really good wife to him...consistently. I have NEVER cheated on him and have always supported him. Yes we have had our fights, and I may not be perfect but I have always been there for him and let him lead which I know he feels better about, but maybe that was a mistake.