Originally Posted by 7737
I'm with Browncoat on this....
For those of us in sexless marriages or married to women who cannot or won't see the importance of sex in a marriage, reading posts such as this, where couples are having good, fulfilling and regular sex....well it makes 'us' feel more despondent, jealous and...well, a bit sad to be honest.
To you and Browncoat I would say this; I've been there. I decided I'd never live my life that way again. I made a commitment, from the start of this relationship to not allow it, or perhaps more importantly, FACILITATE it. I did / have done / am doing many things to make sure I'm doing my best to prevent this from happening. I laid the "ground rules" early on..."I won't live that kind of life again" type of thing. Not a threat, just a "mattter of fact" statement. I learned about sex, really learned, and how to please a woman. I always thought I was at least "decent" in bed. While that may have been true, the "decent lover" in my years past could not hold a candle to who I am now. Completely unselfish and entirely focused on her satisfaction. (There's a long story about ED about why that is so with me, but that's how I was / am). In return, I have complete reciprocity. She does not feel a need for there to be something in it for her to please me.
I change things up constantly and keep it "fresh" and exciting. And I know, KNOW, how to touch her and show her things she never experienced before. Because I made myself a "student" (if you will) of what feels good for a woman, even if a particular woman does not realize it herself or even believe she's "capable" of such things. Continue to show a woman she is in fact capable of things she "knows" she is not "capable of", and you'll quickly be branded as the "best lover of her life". You don't have to "hit" every time. In fact, one out of every 4 times is great! Show her something about her own capabilites she did not believe was possible, and nobody has done before, and you'll quickly hit "star status".
Understanding. Openness. Appreciation. A sincere desire to put her sexual desires, satisfaction, wants, and needs before my own. And so much more.
Again, I'm not sure how I'd deal with this in an already bad situation. But I don't suspect I'd treat it too greatly differently, knowing what I do now.
Guys, I have an incredible sex life with my W. I found this place not out of trying to figure out what was wrong and how to fix it, but rather out of trying to continue to educate myself on how to please her (and us), and avoid the pitfalls we've all experienced at some point in a relationship. I want to be "ahead" of this game. I "work" daily at trying to figure out ways to keep her happy. And not out of a sense of desperation, but rather knowing she deserves my very best, continued efforts to do so, because she seems to do so for me. It's the "snowball effect". You can have the bad snowball, where you try to lay blame and come up with reasons to justify being angry, of you can have the good snowball, where something is good and you want to continue that and try to build on it.
I do honestly believe guys, that had I not been the way I was with her, I'd be here singing your guys' tune. I've been there before and have done so. I desperately wanted to learn from my mistakes and not let it happen again. Will it or could it? Yes. Difference being is NOW I know I've done all I could. If that's not enough, I will quickly detach and walk away if she's not open to working out the issues, and will find someone who appreciates such efforts. And her knowledge that this is how I truly feel, I believe, does not hurt matters either. It's not a "threat", and I don't use it as such. It is just who I believe (and she believes) I am. Life is too freakin' short to be continually frustrated by / with the person you share your life with daily. I honestly can't, and won't, do it again. But you can bet your last dollar I WILL do my part. Most of the time that "part" is being an unselfish lover. Sometimes, however, it's being a guy who won't tolerate lack of effort or apperciation on her part. I know what I try to do and be. if she doesn't appreciate that, then her and I both can move on, and I will find someone who will.