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Originally Posted by WillK  Let me be clear - it is not that I haven't considered all of that. I have. I just want the discussion focussed on my specific question. Whether I speak with OM is my question because it is an area where I am uncertain about how to deal with the situation. Everything else, I am not asking about because I don't have uncertainty about dealing with it.
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Good point, your question stands.
You should absolutely speak to him
Who knows what he is being told by her. She may be leading him on. Alternately this may all be innocent and if so no harm done. Telling the dude you are working on your marriage and his interactions may hinder that will not hurt you in any way. He might just do the right thing and back off
Not every dude is a D-Bag
Then take the time to understand and deal with the issues you identified in the marriage. SO much focus on catching, maybe the same level of effort in fixing would help ?
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what you do speaks so loud, I can't hear what you say 