05-16-2012, 05:51 PM
Join Date: May 2011
Location: In Love
| | Re: Handling a wife's emotional affair or maybe the EA of my wife's friend toward my
Deal with your wife first. Make sure she shuts this down. Monitor it. If he pursues her anyway, get in his face. I do not think one can play witn this stuff. It takes urgency to shut things down. You have another person in your marriage now. Cut them out. THEN, work on your marriage.
Originally Posted by WillK
Okay. I have to jump right in on this one, and I've read a post that seemed helpful - and I've gathered a user going by Entropy is a resident expert and I'd be very appreciative of his feedback.
I am an example of what not to do. I had an EA. My wife is an example of how to deal with it.
My wife has reason to be seperating me, she's younger than me and has some growing up to do, and I've been guilty of behaviour problems that are common with marriage.
One of those problems is that we've become emotionally distant.
Let me make clear, that for reasons I won't get into, my wife insists she would never have a sexual affair because it would have consequences for our children who are age 5 & 6. I believe her and trust her completely.
I believe blind trust is some combination of lazy, naive and ambivalent. You make the call. Trust is earned. Marriage is based on Love and Respect. Trust is a by-product. Yes trust is essential, but when folks claim marriage is about trust they are really having the tail wag the dog EAs are chemically based and it all seems quite innocent at the beginning. Nothing going on here we are just friends. Effectively people form a deep emotional bond and then fall in love. We trust our partners not to do that. But they are not thinking clearly. They can be very naive as well. It feels ok.
But one of our son's friends has a dad with whom my wife has formed a friendship. I believe my wife did so to try to fill the emotional needs I should have been satisfying.
VERY BAD!!! Filling needs like this outside of marriage is dangerous. Especially when needs are not being met at home. In y opinion this is very inappropriate. This can move to unfaithful quickly. If you tell her she needs to stop doing this and she does anyway it is by definition unfaithful.
I've confronted my wife about whether she is having an emotional affair, and she says she is not.. I partially believe her, even though I feel as though she's getting emotional needs satisfied by him that she should get from me.
People in EAs are in the fog. I did not realize that my wife was correct until I went through withdrawal. So you tell her that her relationship with this guy is unacceptable. if she resists she is definitely in an EA. Stop partially believing her. That is unhelpful. That is being a nice guy. She may not realize how deep she is in. No matter. The thing is that this stuff progresses very quickly. Like travelling too close to a black hole. This must be stopped early. Put you foot down and insist on no contact. IMMEDIATELY. No fond farewells. FWIW by the time this type of thing is noticed it is usually way down the road already. Squash this today.
As a measure of what's going on, he frequently texts her. My wife doesn't text back very much, sometimes not at all.
She needs to cut him out of her life. She may or may not be contacting him in other ways. But cut this off now. Feel free to tell this guy to cease and desist but you need to get your wife to shut it down first. You do want to start monitoring activities.
I've gathered that he is separated from his wife.
More likely, I think, is that he is having an emotional affair type attachment to my wife, my wife may have the strength to resist the attachment (she says, and I believe, that he's not the type of person that appeals to my wife...)
Many folks have affairs with people others think are unlikely. Does not matter in how you approach this. He is after your wife. She has not shut him down. bad sign.
I acknowledge it's okay for my wife to have a friend, an appropriate relationship shouldn't take any kind of secrecy to carry on and I would feel that if I can talk to this dude, then that's a sign there's nothing being hidden by my wife. For that matter, I probably should make more friends so I can talk with other people rather than overburden my wife by being the only one I can turn to.
Stop this. Shut this down. Then start reconnecting with your wife. You cannot work on the marriage while she has this relationship. Stopp being nice about this unless you want your wife to connect with other men.
Here's my question:
Would there be anything inappropriate about me talking with the dad of our son's friend? He's out waiting at school to pick up his son every day, and my wife is volunteering today - I'll be
picking up the kids after school.
Responses greatly appreciated!