Originally Posted by WillK
Affairs are symptoms of an underlying problem.
No one could possibly argue with this.
The issue I have when I read your story is that you blame yourself enormously for the choices your wife has made.
I can relate to that, because I truly am the primary reason our marriage became so vulnerable that my husband chose to confide in a co-worker about his marriage. She was in an unhappy marriage also, and one thing led to another. Pretty soon she was his "soulmate" and "best friend in the whole world."
We are now fully recommitted and reconciling. I changed--and not overnight. It took me years to change to the point where I could be a good spouse. This was because of my own issues that I had to overcome. In that sense, I was lucky he was still around to benefit from those changes.
So, with that ability to relate to you somewhat (your secret background story of more infidelity (?), perhaps on your part (?) notwithstanding), I am very confused by your story. I am trying to understand
--why you feel you must defend separating from your wife--again, her ostensible reason, with which you seem to agree, is for her to learn to be 'independent'--I just don't get this one at all--and the whole "we need to fix the house" thing--if your marriage were good and stable, that would be one thing--but it is very vulnerable right now from the things that YOU have told us
--why you think your wife won't be vulnerable to entering a secret EA while she's apart from you so much.
How is she going to cut him out of her life? He's apparently not too far away, and his kid(s) attend the same school, if I understood you correctly. So they stop texting each other--there are plenty of ways to work around that.
I find it odd that you rely on divorce / custody law as proof she would never take this further. Why bother posting in the first place if you were so certain about this? I just have to say, when someone is in an EA (and my husband was in up to his hairline), you aren't analyzing whether you live in a no-fault state that favors dads, or what have you.
I am puzzled that your takeaway is that you need to communicate better with your wife. We ALL need to communicate better with our spouses, all the time, that is a truism. How you will accomplish that with her living apart is beyond me.