separation, depression, and lost myself
My wife is no longer living with me and our two children. She is most likely bipolar as she has experienced this same type of behavior now 3 times. Once in 1999, 2006, and fall 2011-?
The story each time is the same. she disconnects, abandons her real friends and family, befriends co workers, and acts wreckless with drinking, driving, spending, etc. she is in denial and is not on medication, etc.
Not here to focus on the details of her illness. I have a 17 yr relationship that was perfect for me. during the non manic times, she was everything i ever wanted....during the phases, it was hell.
Currently, I have two children 8 & 11 and my eldest especially is hurting so bad about us not being together. My youngest is also struggling but in different ways. They both are in thereapy once a week.
Me. I am a mess. I live in the marital home, act as a stay at home mom, father, and career man all in one.
I have seen a pyschiatrist for my own depression....now take 30mg of lexapro and 1MG of extended release XANAX
after 22 therapy sessions, talking it out until i am blue in the face, adjusting medications as time has made me worse, I am sitting here longing for my old life.
I used to be an avid runner, worked out regularly, and had the best, most balanced life. Now, i have no motivation, hardly work, never exercise, and mope.
what bothers me is that my kids and separated spouse have a horrible relationship most of the time and i have zero time for myself - which is why when i finally get them off to school, i flop and lounge around my house ( luckily i have a flexible job to do so---although not great for business, etc)
so with all of the hurt she has caused me and my children, i still miss my old life and wife. i am admitting it. seeing her almost everyday bc of kids activities or whatever, makes it so painful for me
other facts....kids hate going to her apartment as it represents the issues they have with their mom.
her illness in the past has come and gone. its as if she has had a brain transplant. each time in the past, she turned back to her old self....problem is i have no faith in the fact she will make a lifetime committment and accept the meds she needs----i can see her taking them until she returns to normal but stopping. i love the " well" woman so much....it just isnt my reality right now...i feel like i am abandoning her should she become her old self and also disappointing my girls that we wouldnt remain together.....its so confusing but clear.
my family thinks i need a swift kick in the ass but i feel so depressed and medicated, i cant find the energy to kickstart myself...they offer me total support...i even have the full support of my wifes parents who call me everyday...
this is a lose lose situation...
ps. we are financially divorced. i have a property settlement agreement signed, etc. i need her benefits and there really is no point in divorcing unless i need to get remarried. well, im so medicated and depressed, i have the furthest thing from a sex drive or interest in meeting others....l hardly do the things i used to enjoy....help.