| | Re: Long drawn out unhappy
Hello no.1daddy2kids, I live in west MI and I checked out your story cause it looks like you live around here. I have been marrried 5 years and we have 3 kids, her daughter was 5 when we met and we had 2 since then.
We had been drifting apart for some time and it all started to reach a breaking point last year and I felt much the way you had described. Like she was getting closer to a new friend than she was to me, talking to him alot acting all bubbly in things concerning him. I wondered why she couldn't be this way with me. It was making me feel like I was just the guy to take care of the material things while she got her emotional needs from someone else. I seriously considered letting her go to him, but it would have ruined our kids lives. Then I got unemotional about it and reviewed like an umpire what had been going on between my wife and I and I realized that although I thought I had been a good husband to her I had been creating my own little world that she was more of an intruder than a participant in. I had lashed out at her, not physically, I just got mean when she inturrepted my online gaming, and I had ignored or particapated only minimally in the things she wanted. When she met someone who acted interested in her it became the outlet for those parts that I trivialized and ignored. This was my revelation. I told my wife that I wanted to show her more attention, that she would come befor any other activity and that I wanted to be the friend she could talk about anything and everything with, and that I would take the time to really listen. She didn't believe me at first, but I really did change the focus of my day to day life to put her at the center and make sure she felt like it. She has told me that at first it felt like I was smothering her, but soon she felt the emptiness inside her fill with the attention I was showing her and she really liked it. The friend she had been talking too all the time was informed that there was no future for them and he didn't even bother to return her message, showing what he had really been after. We have discovered a whole new level to the relationship, after getting past and accepting the flaws in each other that almost caused our seperation.
This is what I hope you do with your wife. Find out what she gets from her connection with this other person that she doesn't get with you. Be unemotional about it, dont judge if its important or normal or right, just identify what it is and how you can be that for her. As a guy we sometimes think that every problem needs an awnser, but girls sometimes just want to share and communicate and not be expected to work out a response, they just want someone to know what they are going through. Then make a real change she can feel in how you behave with her, so she will notice how comitted you are.
Marriage is to guys the last step, and to girls just the end of the first step. A relationship needs work and effort every day, there is no cruise control. I hope your wife has the revelation that this is the life she needs to live, that your children will always want you two to be together, and that you are the man who can give her everything she needs.