| | Re: Last Off-Ramp
Here's an update....
I still struggle with which decision is the right decision. I have rented an inexpensive sleeping room with some local college students, and a storage unit. I have rented a PO box. I will soon be opening a separate bank account.
In the last couple of months, things have tamed down a bit. She hasn't made any bizarre accusations. She hasn't blamed me for accidents that happen with our son. There have been times that she has actually stopped and listened to my point of view. I won't say that we've suddenly had moments of romance and touching or sex (or even "I love you") is still a distant memory, but the bad times aren't as numerous as they were this time last year. Now instead of a roommate that she hates, I've become the roommate that she grudgingly puts up with. And sometimes even appreciates, but not very often.
She says she's willing to try a different marriage counselor. My counselor says that maybe I should recommend that she seek counseling of her own, that we aren't ready to return to marriage counseling yet. I haven't broached that subject yet. My counselor believes she's probably "answer shopping," hoping to find a marriage counselor who agrees with her. And I was also warned that if we go to a marriage counselor who doesn't have experience working with personality disorders, then we could end up wasting a lot of time and money.
Part of me wonders if this is the beginning of a new awakening. The other part of me wonders is this is just a part of the cycle of verbal abuse, or the push-pull BPD cycle.
I jusst eem to always be walking on eggshells. I'm afraid to actually talk about the situation for fear of how badly things I say will get distorted. The last time I suggested she get a psychological evaluation, she went livid and asked me why in the world SHE would need an evaluation when ***I*** am the one with the problems.
I spent some time alone a few weekends ago and used the list that slowly_getting_wiser suggested. Here's what I came up with:
Best case scenario for staying....maybe we could be civil to each other, but I doubt that real trust or real intimacy would be achieved for a long, long time.
Worst case for me staying....she might be able to conjure up some story about me that somebody would believe and I would lose my freedom, my job, and my son. We would be showing my son a bad example of what a marriage looks like (much like my parents modeled a miserable marriage for me because they felt they had a duty to stay together "for the kids"). Since I had a bad model of marriage from my parents, I had no idea what to look for when I chose a mate, and as a result I ignored some very obvious red flags.
Best case scenario for me leaving....I could become emotionally healthy and be the best part-time Daddy I could be, and maybe help buffer my son from his mother's insanity.
Worst case scenario for me leaving....I would be giving up on a situation that while extremely difficult, might be salvageable. I would set a bad example for my son about giving up when times get tough. I would be forsaking my vows.
Where do I want to be in 5 years? Emotionally healthy, happy and have a good relationship with my son. I want to be employed in a career that stimulates my intellect. I love the field I work in now, so my hope is to be further into it and have more influence and responsibility than I do now, but to basically be doing the same thing.....it's nice to have a job you love! If possible, I want to be in a loving, nurturing relationship that has a very low level of drama.
My only problem....I don't know how to get there from here! This decision would be so much easier if she were still flaming me and throwing stones every chance she got. But now that she actually seems to be calming down a little, I wonder....did I imagine it all? Was it really as bad as I remember it? Is there hope for change, and am I being impulsive to think about ending things? Am I a bad person for wanting out when she seems to be trying a little?