Originally Posted by Vegemite
*We went though a lot of counselling, which was a huge waist of time and money. The last guy was a good psychologist, but treated it like MC. In other words, approached us like we were any couple having marriage problems, and ignore the cheating like it never happened. I argued with him many times over it. He said it's too hard for my CW if we discuss it. WTF?? Seems to be a common approach. So if there are any psychologists out there, I can tell you from experience, that approach doesn't work. If it seems to get success, then it would be because the BS is subservent.
I realize you're done with MC.
But if for some reason you ever change your mind--which you certainly never have to do--but also for everyone else reading this thread--I just want to tell you, there ARE MC's out there who take the infidelity head on.
What I did was got a recommendation from my IC for a large sex addiction / porn addiction / infidelity practice group (yes I live in a metro area). They were too far a drive but they had other referrals for me.
As BSs--everyone on this thread can just imagine me interviewing these MCs over the phone. I talked to four of them, AND EVERY LAST ONE was clearly every bit as knowledgeable about infidelity as anyone could be. They know all of the lingo, they were not surprised by the secret-keeping, none of it.
I am thrilled with our MC. We had a 1.5 hour session where he told me to install GPS and backup software on my husband's phone and explained the importance of bringing my anxiety down so I could focus on R. He explained to my husband how transparency helps HIM prove he is serious about R and being loyal. He grilled my husband over what did / didn't go down PA-wise with the AP. He grilled my husband (not offensively, mind you, just to the point) about whether and how contact had ended.
We spent at least 30 minutes discussing exposure from many different angles.
Then he pulled Not Just Friends off the shelf and told my husband to read it. And he had my husband schedule IC.
In the second session, he had us talking about our individual fears / hopes / dreams, and our marital fears / hopes / dreams.
Well, one of my fears is that he will never love me the way he "said" he loved the AP, all that soulmate crap. I know it's crap, but when you see someone (in writing) going on and on and on about how someone who isn't you makes the sun rise and set, that is more than a little ego blow. So I read aloud a page that I typed up weeks ago post-DD#2 that repeated the worst of his emails and my fears about them.
What did our MC do? He extended the session for another 30 minutes (of course we paid) but he could just see that we were getting to some core issues that needed to be discussed.
(Now, our first MC was a CLASSIC rug-sweeper, I've said this before--I called him after DD#2 to tell him HEY, MY HUSBAND WAS CHEATING ON ME THE WHOLE TIME WE WERE IN MC!! [insert choice insulting name here that I muttered under my breath.] And he said? "How does that make you feel?" At least I can laugh about it now...