Hi weetbix...mmmm weetabix...love that cereal...can get it in the states now
Sorry to hear you are going through this. My husband had an emotional affair almost a year ago and I can relate to how you are feeling. I have to say it was horrible early on but as time goes on it has gotten a lot better. I did seek counsel on my own and it did help me sort out my thoughts.
In order to gain some sense of self-respect back, I talked to my husband about what I was feeling and what he could do to help the situation. Since he still works with the OW and broke things off literally the day before I found out on my own, he also sent the 'i wish we could be together but working on my marriage is the right thing to do'...I basically told him if that was the case then to go find his happiness...this was about a week later...at that point (after we had several serious heart to heart talks) he said he realized how much he loved me and had no desires to leave or be with her (which I was very skeptical to believe at that point) but he emailed her and recanted his previous letter, telling her he made a big mistake starting anything with her and that he could no longer continue a 'just friends' relationship out of respect for me and our marriage since he had crossed that line with her (they still work for the same company).
He also told me he would spend the rest of his life regaining my trust and showing me how much he loves me. He truly feels remorseful and just yesterday came to tears thinking about how he hurt me and how I must have felt. He now tells me every day how happy he is and how lucky he is that he is married to me.
Probably what made moving forward bearable for me (or had the most impact) was really just figuring out how we got to the point we were at. We both respect each other, don't argue or nag, always say 'I love you'...list goes on so it was devastating to me because I didn't see this horrible marriage or reason for him to stray. I needed to understand it so I had some sense of security that it wouldn't happen again. For us, it was mainly talking to each other when things bother us (we are both very private people) and it really has made our marriage closer and better than I could have imagined. Figuring out that we did have voids that we could fill somehow made it feel less out of my control. I basically for my own sanity needed to tell him that if he ever got to that point again, to respect me enough to talk to me before he did anything and we would go from there. I would do the same.
I have forgiven him. I know he is a good man but he is human and made a horrible mistake. Don't feel like a doormat for trying to work it out. You are only a doormat if you let it go on and ignore it, so look closely at YOUR needs now and make sure your wife knows what they are and you make sure they are being met.