Talk About Marriage - View Single Post

Chopblock · 04-30-2008, 08:37 AM

What kind of communication is going on between you and your husband? I think that will provide a BIG clue about whether what you are dealing with is fixable. We don't know all the details, but we don't matter... HE does. If HE doesn't know whats going on, and you aren't communicating with him, then quite frankly, WHAT conclusion is he supposed to come to?

Blunt truth here: when a woman starves a man sexually, he WILL resent her. I don't understand why women think that making him go without sex is going to make him want it less.

Do not be surprised or insulted that he gets more and more insistent as time goes by -- in fact, you should consider it a GOOD sign. The time to be SCARED is when he just shuts down and stops asking. It means he has given up on you, and is either cheating, or getting ready to ditch you.

I am in a VERY similar situation except no kids. Its been 9 months (and even before that, sex was at BEST once a month). I am a GOOD partner. I tell her how much I care, bring in money, help with chores, listen to her, cook... Even her FRIENDS tell her she doesn't deserve me. We do love each other a lot.

But I have tried communicating until I'm blue in the face and she never wants to talk. Its always a "bad time" or "she doesn't want to talk about it". She isn't open to ideas or counseling or anything. Basically, I am in the dark, and will be until she decides to clue me in.

So really... what conclusion am I expected to come to besides "you don't want me sexually anymore".

Like you said, I know the love is there. But let me open you up to one of a guy's BIGGEST fears... becoming the "big brother" or "best friend". We are putting in all the energy effort and resources demanded for a relationship, and love is great don't get me wrong, but we want the sex too. The longer this goes on, the more likely a man is to say "if I want to love a woman I can't have sex with, I'll live with my mom."

I feel she is CHOOSING not to have sex with me, and CHOOSING not to tell me why. I feel powerless and helpless because she is holding all the cards, and my only choices are "deal with" or "leave". As we all know, a lot of anger comes from frustration and the feeling of helplessness. I don't want either of those options: I want us to FIX it and go back to how things were in the beginning.

So once again let me ask you. Does he KNOW WHY you find him repulsive? Do YOU know why? It is NOT fair to make him sit and wait. This is not what either of you signed up for, and you have the power to fix it. You just have to get over these barriers.

Otherwise, and I don't care if you don't like this... he's eventually going to cheat or leave. Nobody is getting younger, and life is too short to waste.

04-30-2008, 08:37 AM	#22 (permalink)
Chopblock Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 173	Re: Repulsed What kind of communication is going on between you and your husband? I think that will provide a BIG clue about whether what you are dealing with is fixable. We don't know all the details, but we don't matter... HE does. If HE doesn't know whats going on, and you aren't communicating with him, then quite frankly, WHAT conclusion is he supposed to come to? Blunt truth here: when a woman starves a man sexually, he WILL resent her. I don't understand why women think that making him go without sex is going to make him want it less. Do not be surprised or insulted that he gets more and more insistent as time goes by -- in fact, you should consider it a GOOD sign. The time to be SCARED is when he just shuts down and stops asking. It means he has given up on you, and is either cheating, or getting ready to ditch you. I am in a VERY similar situation except no kids. Its been 9 months (and even before that, sex was at BEST once a month). I am a GOOD partner. I tell her how much I care, bring in money, help with chores, listen to her, cook... Even her FRIENDS tell her she doesn't deserve me. We do love each other a lot. But I have tried communicating until I'm blue in the face and she never wants to talk. Its always a "bad time" or "she doesn't want to talk about it". She isn't open to ideas or counseling or anything. Basically, I am in the dark, and will be until she decides to clue me in. So really... what conclusion am I expected to come to besides "you don't want me sexually anymore". Like you said, I know the love is there. But let me open you up to one of a guy's BIGGEST fears... becoming the "big brother" or "best friend". We are putting in all the energy effort and resources demanded for a relationship, and love is great don't get me wrong, but we want the sex too. The longer this goes on, the more likely a man is to say "if I want to love a woman I can't have sex with, I'll live with my mom." I feel she is CHOOSING not to have sex with me, and CHOOSING not to tell me why. I feel powerless and helpless because she is holding all the cards, and my only choices are "deal with" or "leave". As we all know, a lot of anger comes from frustration and the feeling of helplessness. I don't want either of those options: I want us to FIX it and go back to how things were in the beginning. So once again let me ask you. Does he KNOW WHY you find him repulsive? Do YOU know why? It is NOT fair to make him sit and wait. This is not what either of you signed up for, and you have the power to fix it. You just have to get over these barriers. Otherwise, and I don't care if you don't like this... he's eventually going to cheat or leave. Nobody is getting younger, and life is too short to waste.