Originally Posted by cdm9999
He is claiming that he wants to see what it would be like to live without me and to decide if he really feels that he wants to be with me or not.
Translation: He wants to cheat and this makes him feel better about it.
I agree that you should not go along with him turning the basement into an apartment. But you might not be able to stop him from doing it. As someone else brought up, how is this going to work when he starts to bring dates to his ‘new apartment’.
If he builds the apartment, lock the door leading to the apartment. Have your attorney get a court order saying that he now has a separate residence and he’s not allowed to enter the “upstairs apartment” where you live.
I’m concerned about your comment “have full access to kids”. He’s their father. He has as much right as you do to have full access to the children. Be careful about having an attitude that you ‘own’ the children and/or that you are going to use them get money.
You have a lot more control in this situation than you seem to think you have. It does not matter if he agrees to a separation, divorce and to sell the house. You have as much say in these things as he does. He has decided what he wants. You need to decide what you want. Then have your attorney work the parts of your desires on which the two of you disagree.
If you file for divorce or legal separation the court will tell him how much he has to pay you each month in child support and spousal support.
Do realize that you have the obligation to become self-supporting? Your children are all old enough for you to go back to work. One of the best ways back into the work force is to go back to school and get your MBA.
While in school get a work-study job or some kind to part time job to build your work history.
Originally Posted by cdm9999
I being stupid and gullable and will make things harder legally for myself later. If I knew this apartment thing wouldn't hurt me legally, I would be willing to try it for a few months, but if things didn't work out, I would want him totally out so I can start a life over for myself. Could I make him leave after I file separation. Anyone know the legal answers to this? I am in NY. Thanks for any advice.
Go talk to an attorney and find out the affect the apartment will have on you. It can be set up so that it looks like, and is, a separate residence.
Giving into your husband the time he wants can hurt you. He could be consulting with an attorney and setting himself up so that he has the upper hand in the divorce it looks like he is moving towards. And the more you give into this nonsense, the less likely he is to take you and your marriage seriously. Right now he has the best of both worlds…. You and his children while he can do whatever he wants. Put and end to this nonsense and file for divorce. Hit him hard… set up spousal and child support, lock him out of the main part of the house and in his ‘apartment’ and let his head spin. IMHO, shock and awe is the only chance you have of saving your marriage. Being nice to him and giving him what he wants will only encourage him to continue down his current path.
Remember that a divorce can always be stopped before the day it is made final. So if he wakes up and starts acting like a husband you can stop the divorce process.
He could turn that basement into an apartment in one day… all he needs to get started is a microwave, hot plate, toaster oven, mattress, small table and one kitchen table chair.
So here’s a plan of action (I know you might not use it but just want to give you some ideas.)
- See an attorney and get yourself setup to file for divorce in 1-2 weeks.
- Get photo copies of all of your financial information, all accounts for assets, liabilities, expenses and income. Store these copies at the house of a trusted friend or family member’s. Make sure you get online account passwords, etc as well.
- Go get up checking & savings accounts in your name only if you do not already have one. Put only enough in it at this time so that he will not notice that you took some money.
- Go out and buy the basics for your husband’s new apartment. He can live in the basement while he builds his new, swanky apartment. Don’t set it up just put the stuff down there.
- He should be served at work and the papers should list his residence as the basement apartment and yours as the main house. They can say that you have already been living separately for however long it’s been since he lives in his basement apartment. So on the day that he is being served the divorce papers do the following as early in the morning as you can: 1) Change all the locks on the main part of the house and lock him out. It’s your place now. He has his new apartment 2) move 3/4 ‘s of all the money in all of the joint accounts you know of into your personal accounts. You are the stay at home mom so you need to take more than 50%.
When I filed for divorce from my son’s father, my attorney had an interim time sharing plan for the children and a child support / spousal support plan filed that day. See if your attorney can do this.
You need to play hard ball with this guy.