Talk About Marriage - View Single Post

believer · 04-30-2008, 09:34 PM

To Swedish - don't recall reading your history but am curious how long you have been married? How long was the affair? How did you find out about it? I'm assuming when you initially confronted your husband - he denied it or came up with some excuse - am I right?
My husband did what I stated above & I went away initially feeling awful that I accused him of something so horrible & I was wrong ( or so I thought briefly). A part of me wanted to believe I was wrong so it would put my mind at peace but all the pieces I had put together still did not make sense - so I kept snooping & asking & doubting. It took 2 more months to finally get the truth & I think that was only because I involved his friend to seek some information & I think he was afraid the friend might find out what was going on. So it was very disturbing to me that even when presented with evidence - he would still lie or come up with some story.
I do think he has changed & is in a different mind set now. At the time, I think he really believed that he loved the other woman & that he could not be happy in our marriage. Time has passed ( 3 yrs since I found out) and it is only now that I am beginning to question if I made the right decision to stay & try to forgive him. I am trying to figure out if this is how I want to live the rest of my life - these are definitely not the circumstances I chose for my marriage & never imagined I would be living such a complicated life. However, when I took my marriage vows - took them seriously & intended it to be forever.
Unfortunately today, I feel that too many couples give up too soon & mainly out of anger make rash decisions. And I don't want be one of those statistics. But in the same breath, I have to figure out if I can live my life with my husband & not have to wonder if he will hurt me again? Is there anything he can do to earn back my trust? Am considering going to couples counseling again - with him more in the "let's save the marriage mindset this time".

The rolls are reversed now, I am wondering if I want to spend my life with him & he is hoping I choose "yes".
Although I named myself "believer", it's 2 fold. 1) I believe in marriage & 2) I was a believer for too long of lies.
Unlike you, I am not sure that if my husband just gave me his "word "that if he got to that point again - we would talk first. His "word" is not worth too much these days. However, his actions have improved ,but here I go again having doubts, not sure if that is because he realized what psycho the other woman turned out to be.
I asked for a 6 month seperation to start - to help me sort out my feelings & to see what life is like without him. I am 1 month into it so far.

04-30-2008, 09:34 PM	#15 (permalink)
believer Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Posts: 59	Re: Trying to Work it Out To Swedish - don't recall reading your history but am curious how long you have been married? How long was the affair? How did you find out about it? I'm assuming when you initially confronted your husband - he denied it or came up with some excuse - am I right? My husband did what I stated above & I went away initially feeling awful that I accused him of something so horrible & I was wrong ( or so I thought briefly). A part of me wanted to believe I was wrong so it would put my mind at peace but all the pieces I had put together still did not make sense - so I kept snooping & asking & doubting. It took 2 more months to finally get the truth & I think that was only because I involved his friend to seek some information & I think he was afraid the friend might find out what was going on. So it was very disturbing to me that even when presented with evidence - he would still lie or come up with some story. I do think he has changed & is in a different mind set now. At the time, I think he really believed that he loved the other woman & that he could not be happy in our marriage. Time has passed ( 3 yrs since I found out) and it is only now that I am beginning to question if I made the right decision to stay & try to forgive him. I am trying to figure out if this is how I want to live the rest of my life - these are definitely not the circumstances I chose for my marriage & never imagined I would be living such a complicated life. However, when I took my marriage vows - took them seriously & intended it to be forever. Unfortunately today, I feel that too many couples give up too soon & mainly out of anger make rash decisions. And I don't want be one of those statistics. But in the same breath, I have to figure out if I can live my life with my husband & not have to wonder if he will hurt me again? Is there anything he can do to earn back my trust? Am considering going to couples counseling again - with him more in the "let's save the marriage mindset this time". The rolls are reversed now, I am wondering if I want to spend my life with him & he is hoping I choose "yes". Although I named myself "believer", it's 2 fold. 1) I believe in marriage & 2) I was a believer for too long of lies. Unlike you, I am not sure that if my husband just gave me his "word "that if he got to that point again - we would talk first. His "word" is not worth too much these days. However, his actions have improved ,but here I go again having doubts, not sure if that is because he realized what psycho the other woman turned out to be. I asked for a 6 month seperation to start - to help me sort out my feelings & to see what life is like without him. I am 1 month into it so far.