mommy22

First, let me say that we are very much back in the "communication stage". For that, I'm thankful beyond words. I don't know if you've read my other posts, but we've been through the wringer over the last few weeks and, in essence, years. Now, we love each other more than we ever could've imagined possible. So, to answer your questions:
1) What do you want? (ie. what would you need from him to restore your heart into it)

I needed him to focus on us. I needed to know that we (he, me, the children) were his priority. Now that he has been clean (he was a drug addict unbeknownst to me for over 15 years) for the last few months, his clarity is better. He returns my phone calls, he helps around the house, he actively spends time with the children, and he spends quality time with me outside the physical act of sex. This is what I wanted and I'm getting that and more.

2) Do you think that if you gave him sex, he'd, of his own will, fix whatever he is doing wrong?

As I stated earlier, me giving him sex wasn't a problem for us. I never cut him off. He got it lots! However, it led to a lot of resentment on my part because I didn't feel as though I was getting anything in return. That said, I do think that many times you have to give to the other person even when you don't feel like it. It's just like when I get up with my children in the middle of the night. Do I want to miss sleep? No. I do it because I love them and I want to be there for them when they need me.

3) Does he know your heart is not into lovemaking? Does he know WHY your heart isn't in it?

Yes. He knows why it wasn't in it. He knew that all along. He now has the clarity to put himself in it and I have rid myself of my own selfishness and am putting myself into it 100%!
4) What can you do to make him aware of the problem so he can take action.

Well, my case was very different than most. I communicated very openly and honestly. I left no guesswork. However, he couldn't hear what I was saying because of his addiction. In a situation where it's simply lack of communication, I just think telling the person point blank is best. Don't do it in an accusatory manner, of course, but be honest. I've never had a problem communicating how I feel unless I felt like it was falling on deaf ears. We actually sat down and had the conversation on each part "What can I do to make this better?" He told me that he would need lots of reassurance to restore his manhood. He wants me to tell him I love him, stoke his arm, hug and kiss him in public. He wants me to outwardly show that I am proud of him and HE'S MY MAN! I, on the other hand, told him that I want him to take time to talk to me, be actively involved with the children, pull his weight around the house and just be my best friend again. He's doing such a great job of that and I'm so proud of him.


I hope all this helps some.