| | Divorce and Alcoholism--they go hand in hand.
I guess the saying "God did for me what I couldn't do for myself" plays a big part in my divorce. I couldn't live with him and I couldn't live without him...or so I thought. A man who drinks a 12 pack a night while sucking on a doobie would be someone who "checks out", right? Story of my 5 1/2 year marriage.
I haven't felt pain like this before in my life. I was emotionally, verbally and mentally abused. I lived 2 different lives. The EMS teacher/EMT/Fire Fighter and the abused wife. Sexy, huh? I don't think so. I lost all my confidence. If it wasn't for my patients/students, I think I would have lost my mind...oh, wait, I did last year. That's when I knew I had to leave. I literally had a nervous breakdown last year. Me. If you met me you wouldn't have thought I would have even attracted the man I married. Yet, I did.
Maybe I don't really feel like writing...maybe I'm in the solution and that's why this isn't a rant paper. All I know is that I believe it's going to be ok and that's what keeps me going. He broke my heart when he told me a few weeks ago "don't you see I don't give 2 sh$ts about you?"...I finally heard him. I haven't spoken to him since. I am doing it for my sanity. Filed for divorce 3 months ago. He told me he doesn't love me anymore. I had hope so I hung in there...but the Stella Artois won him. "She" is his best friend and lover. "Her" long neck and sleek bottle shaped bottom is more appealing then I will ever be to my soon to be ex husband.
He was a wonderful man. He probably still is. I look forward to when I can honestlyl say I'm over the pain. For now? I started praying for him 2 days ago. Read that if you pray for the one you resent you will be free. Takes 2 weeks. And it's free!
As of now, I'm sick and tired of feeling self pity and resentment. It's like injecting poison and expecting the other person to die. I was dying...I want to live.
I miss that woman that hid away 5 years ago. I need her back.
For what it's worth, I googled something and this is where google directed me here. Thank you for letting me participate.