Talk About Marriage - View Single Post

moxy · 05-23-2012, 11:19 AM

I'm sorry you're going through this. She is a serial cheater. She won't stop unless she realizes that there are consequences for her actions that she doesn't want to pay. You have not given her any reason to believe that you won't allow it. In fact, by giving her no consequences, you have given her permission to cheat on you. She is going to see you as a complete doormat and she will not respect your demands that she stop what she is doing because your threats are empty; you'll take her back anyway, at least according to the pattern she has observed. She seems to be manipulating you, too, saying she is going away until you have cooled off, as if you're the one behaving inappropriately.

You need to take a few steps back and realize that she is treating you like crap and you don't deserve to be treated that way! I know you love her and you want things to work out, but your current strategy is going to fail. I know this. I left my h who I still love because he wouldn't be honest about his cheating and disrespect and expected me to be a doormat that accepted it; there is a huge difference between loving someone and building a sound marriage with someone. She may well love you, but she is too immature to be married and needs to grow up. She needs hobbies of her own and some self-confidence so that she isn't depending on guys to boost her ego all the time. You can't make this happen. She has to be willing to commit to you on her own or else it's all fake. You cannot make her love you the right way or be a good wife to you, not even by loving her enough to accept her faults. Don't tolerate her faults. Don't enable her bad behavior. Be strong enough to object!

You should do the 180. If there is any chance of saving your marriage, it will come from you absolutely walking away from her and her realizing for herself that she doesn't want to lose you. It will depend on you rebuilding yourself in a less dependent way on her. Right now, you've invested so much in this relationship that your world is destroyed because of it, but you need to build a world for yourself that isn't dependent on her -- then, if she is able to offer you the same, you can build a bridge between your two worlds to connect. Right now, that can't happen.

180 completely. Build up your self esteem and your independence because she's trashed those. Let her fall on her face and realize that she has lost the best thing she's got. Either she'll come back to you with some sense of decency and remorse, or you'll know that she wasn't worth your love because she didn't love you back the right way.

Whatever you do, do NOT chase, beg, plead, cajole, or try to persuade her to come back to you because that will send her quickly into the arms of Mr. Sleazeball of the Month.

05-23-2012, 11:19 AM	#10 (permalink)
moxy Member Join Date: Apr 2012 Posts: 1,507	Re: Repost: My Story, Wife Cheated I'm sorry you're going through this. She is a serial cheater. She won't stop unless she realizes that there are consequences for her actions that she doesn't want to pay. You have not given her any reason to believe that you won't allow it. In fact, by giving her no consequences, you have given her permission to cheat on you. She is going to see you as a complete doormat and she will not respect your demands that she stop what she is doing because your threats are empty; you'll take her back anyway, at least according to the pattern she has observed. She seems to be manipulating you, too, saying she is going away until you have cooled off, as if you're the one behaving inappropriately. You need to take a few steps back and realize that she is treating you like crap and you don't deserve to be treated that way! I know you love her and you want things to work out, but your current strategy is going to fail. I know this. I left my h who I still love because he wouldn't be honest about his cheating and disrespect and expected me to be a doormat that accepted it; there is a huge difference between loving someone and building a sound marriage with someone. She may well love you, but she is too immature to be married and needs to grow up. She needs hobbies of her own and some self-confidence so that she isn't depending on guys to boost her ego all the time. You can't make this happen. She has to be willing to commit to you on her own or else it's all fake. You cannot make her love you the right way or be a good wife to you, not even by loving her enough to accept her faults. Don't tolerate her faults. Don't enable her bad behavior. Be strong enough to object! You should do the 180. If there is any chance of saving your marriage, it will come from you absolutely walking away from her and her realizing for herself that she doesn't want to lose you. It will depend on you rebuilding yourself in a less dependent way on her. Right now, you've invested so much in this relationship that your world is destroyed because of it, but you need to build a world for yourself that isn't dependent on her -- then, if she is able to offer you the same, you can build a bridge between your two worlds to connect. Right now, that can't happen. 180 completely. Build up your self esteem and your independence because she's trashed those. Let her fall on her face and realize that she has lost the best thing she's got. Either she'll come back to you with some sense of decency and remorse, or you'll know that she wasn't worth your love because she didn't love you back the right way. Whatever you do, do NOT chase, beg, plead, cajole, or try to persuade her to come back to you because that will send her quickly into the arms of Mr. Sleazeball of the Month. __________________ "He who accepts evil without protesting against it is really cooperating with it." -Martin Luther King, Jr. "“We first crush people to the earth, & then claim the right of trampling on them forever, because they are prostrate." -Lydia Maria Child.