Originally Posted by cdm9999

I have been married for 20+ years, 4 children (6,12,17,18) and have a good life other than my not so great marraige.

Short background: H and I never got along great..I know he hasnt always felt totally connected to me in a soul mate kind of way (which is what he wants)...he is somewhat verbally abusive and doesnt treat me the way i want to be treated....although he is a good provider, good father, we have no financial trouble, we have no in-law trouble, no addictions, no sexual trouble, we are attracted physically to each other. and I do love him ....He loves me but not "in love"... for whatever reason, he is not happy with me.

Anyway, I found out about 2 years ago that he was in contact with his first long-term girlfriend that he dated when he was 18-20 (he is 48 now)... I met him when I was 18 and he was 20... he was still pining over her way back then, but it was over between them....(they had a bad break up...he wanted her back...she didnt) ....she met someone and married him.....At the time i found out about the facebook contact(2 years ago) I told him I didnt like it and I would like him to stop. He said he had wanted some closure, he didnt want her, he wanted me and realizes that now and just wanted to discuss a few things with her and let her know he wasnt a jerk.

I said, finish your closure and then stop. I didnt say a word for 6 months. Our relationship actually was very good during this time and he told me that now he knows I was the right choice.
BTW, supposedly she was a happily married woman. After 6 months, I brought it up to my H again and asked him if he still talked to her on facebook and he said yes...I had found out (unbenounced to him) that they were going to meet for lunch .

I forced him to stop contact and I wrote her, very nicely, and asked her to stop contacting my H. She agreed and said she was very much in love with her H and that my husband said he loved me very much...she said she would respect my decision. This all happened last summer. I dropped the whole issue and never mentioned it again.

Although, I should mention that my H was devestated by my writing her the letter and that he would never forgive me... he sulked in bed for 2 days. I couldnt believe that he would act this way, but anyway...it was done.

I did notice that our relationship was worse after this.

We really had a tough year, went to MC for a year, and he is still unhappy and wants to trial separate to see what it would be like without me.

OK so here goes....I finally got him to admit that he has again been in contact with her, she had separated from her husband last year, and they met for lunch in December and have been in contact via email. I cant believe that they havent seen each other otherwise, but who knows. He claims that she wont get into a relationship with him until we split up. But they both want to see if it would work out.

My H is so torn about this and is afraid he would make a mistake and lose me forever in case the OW doesnt work out. At this point, how could I deal with this....I think I have to get a separation (legal) because I think I'd be a fool to "let" him try out an affair and then let him make a choice. I thought all along, we would trial separate and we would both be alone to think about things to make a decision. Now I know someone is in the wings and how could i compete with his first-time love that he never got over.

I could say stop all contact with her or i will file... not sure what he would choose....but even if he chose to stay in the marraige, I would think he would resent me and always think about her and what could have been. He kind of wants to try it out to see if they belong together, but I told him even if i agreed to that, it wouldnt be a real test because it would probably be so exciting at first and not really get a good idea of what it would be long term with them.

I know this is an unknown, but it makes me sick to think it could work out with her and I feel i am at such a disadvantage because he has someone waiting for him (I would have to go out searching for new R) and he had such strong feelings for her thru the years.... i dont know if ultimately it would work out for them but it kills me

I have been a good wife, mother, lover, and he says I am the sweetest, nicest person he has ever met and that is why he decided to be with me , ignoring the part that we just aren't that compatible. We are very involved with our neighbors/friends...nobody knows about this, even my family. So hard to deal with on my own.

What does this look like to you? Should I give him an ultimatum, me or her? Or is that just setting me up for more grief? Go straight for divorce? Do legal separation (I only would concider this rather than divorce because I need healthcare insurance--I havent had a job since my first son (18) was born and I have some health issues)? Breaking up a marraige/family is horrible.

I'm so angry and hurt. Just isn't fair. Thanks for advice.