 Re: H wants to get divorced... I want to work things out. What should I do?
Soconfused, I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this, and feel badly for your husband and children, too.
It sounds like your husband is not a very assertive man. Instead of standing up for what he wants, he does what other people want so that things will be peaceful. This can be a way of being kind, but it can also be deceptive. In this case, his behaviors showed you something that wasn't true, or else he was ok with those things and has now convinced himself that he wasn't. (Sometimes people rewrite history in their minds in order to accept and support something they want now.)
It also sounds like he is right that you neglected your marriage, even if you didn't mean to. Does he believe you did this to be cruel to him, or does he understand that you allowed your son's needs to become more important because you did not have enough awareness of what your husband's needs actually were?
I think that you will need to take responsibility for where you marriage is right now. Apologize sincerely to him and tell him that you'd like for both of you to make your marriage the top priority in your lives now and forever. Let him know that you have recognized that you failed to recognize those times that he thought he was showing you he didn't want something, but that you'd like to learn how to understand better. Also, tell him that when he does object to something, he has to feel able to let you know how he feels clearly, not through hints, so that you can give him the kind of support that he has given you. (I know, he hasn't REALLY given you that support if he was faking it, but trust me that you don't want to point that out now. He believes that he supported you the best way he could, and you did benefit from it, so don't quibble.)
If he said he wants a divorce but hasn't taken action in the two months since he said it, then he's continuing to behave passive-aggressively. It's one more example of how you didn't acknowledge HIS wants if you don't take action. Obviously, it's a catch-22, since you cannot take the action he wants and still be true to yourself. If it were me, here's what I would do:
I would have the discussion with him that I described. If he agreed that he'd want to be in the kind of marriage where the relationship was the #1 priority, then I'd ask him to consider seeing a marriage counselor who could help each of us recognize each other's communication styles. I'd tell him it would help me learn to understand when he's just going along with something to keep the peace, and that I wanted that counseling so I could be a better wife to him.
If he said he did not want the marriage even if I was willing to make the relationship my #1 priority, I would file for divorce immediately. I would not wait around for him to take action, because he's made it clear that he won't take action if he is able to avoid it. If neither of us takes action, it means the relationship will continue to struggle with unhappiness and no progress toward changing the things that led to this. Also, if I take action, I think he'd be more likely to come back and say, "Hey, this isn't what I wanted. I didn't really want to file for divorce. I just wanted things to change," especially when he comes to understand the kind of financial and emotional problems that come with divorce. At that point, I would insist on marriage counseling to ensure those same problems didn't contribute to more unhappiness when we got back together.
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