A little background: My dad, (who was a pastor) physically abused me when I was a kid. Then, I was manipulated into a relationship with a man who was 11 years older than me when I was 18. We dated for five years. I ended it because he became physically abusive. It was extremely traumatizing and I suffered PTSD symptoms for years. I sought help, and tried to get my life on track.
My husband and I have been married for just a little over a year. In that time, he has been fired from four consecutive jobs. He is generally unreliable, and all four times has initially denied any wrong-doing.
My parents divorced eventually over financial issues-- I don't know why my mom didn't leave my dad when he started hitting me! My father also couldn't keep a job. My husband's parent's filed for bankruptcy, and at one point lived in a one car garage with their four kids. They stuck it out and are still married. My husband doesn't understand how scared I feel when he gets fired over and over. He doesn't seem to really care.
When he proposed, he bought a ring on a line of credit, and didn't make a single payment until it was sent to collections! I couldn't wear my ring because it stood as a reminder of what an irresponsible fool he was instead of the love and commitment it's supposed to represent. We recently celebrated our one year anniversary and he gave me a plastic headband from Forever 21. Seriously.
He has $50k+ in debt, and had no idea what to do, and so chose to do nothing. I asked him to please take the responsibility for it and address it. I asked and asked instead of doing it for him, but eventually, I just had to do it all for him because he defaulted and it was too pressing to wait anymore. It is so frustrating it makes my head feel like it is going to explode!
I signed us up for counseling (with a licensed professional, not a pastor) because I just couldn't take it and I needed a third party to help us. We've been going for about three months. He goes to counseling, but doesn't really get it. He doesn't realize that it requires effort on his part to fix the problem.
In addition, I asked our pastor to meet with my husband and talk to him about responsibility and work. Our pastor said, "Well, I already talked to him very directly about this, but I will give it another shot." My husband lost two more jobs after that meeting.
Recently, my husband yelled at me during an argument, and given my history of abuse, I asked him to please not yell at me because it scared me. He said, "That was five years ago-- get over it!" Meaning, the terror of living in fear is something I should just "get over," especially since it was a whole five years ago. It was devastating and I don't know how to even begin to forgive him.
I am so frustrated. I am embarrassed that my husband has been fired four times in a row. I am embarrassed that I married a man who is so astoundingly incapable of doing basic things like keeping a job, taking financial responsibility seriously, and treating his wife with respect. I am ashamed of him, and I find that it is entirely impossible to trust him at this point.
I have asked myself, "Why did you marry this guy??!?" I feel like I've made a huge mistake, and I'm feeling hopeless and depressed. I feel like this is doomed to fail, and maybe I should just cut my losses now before I waste any more of my life with this guy. I don't want to give up and just divorce him, but I am afraid that he is taking it there anyway. I want to know that I fought hard for our marriage, and tried everything before I decide to give up.
Since he is a procrastinator, I fear that he is just waiting until I have the divorce papers in front of him before he wakes up-- and by then it will be too late. I'm not going to wait around the rest of my life for him to treat me with respect. In light of his track record with employment, I guess I shouldn't be surprised that he is not doing anything to prevent "getting fired" from marriage.
I am reading, journaling, praying, consulting trusted friends, and doing everything that our counselor has suggested. He said tonight that he thinks that if we pray and have faith that God can and will miraculously heal our marriage. He frequently uses God as an excuse to get out of putting forth any effort-- "if it's God's will, He'll do the work!" I believe that God can change our hearts so we can make better choices, but God gave us free will, and He respects us too much to control us like robots. He wants us to decide to do the right thing. My husband just doesn't want to have to do that hard part of doing the right thing.
I asked for advice on another site, and several people said I was the stupid one for marrying him in the first place. I didn't think that was very kind or helpful advice... I do feel stupid for marrying him. And knowing what I know now, I wish I hadn't!
He wasn't like this when we were dating. He was much more independent, and sensitive to my feelings. He had a job the whole time we dated, he was so punctual it bugged me, and he was so kind and loving. Now he glares at me and stands really close like he's trying to intimidate me and I'm getting nervous that he's just like the other abusers in my life. I'm getting nervous that he's going to hurt me eventually, but I might just be overreacting. It's hard to know sometimes.
1. Why does he avoid responsibility?
2. Why doesn't he recognize any wrong doing on his part?
3. Can he change? If so, how?
4. Is this even worth saving?
5. What else can I do to make this work?
Thanks for your help, please be nice.
