Originally Posted by manwithoutwife
I really appreciate your advice.
I think you are right. There is nothing else to do.
I already lost her and she will not break up with the OM because of me.
The more time that passes the more crap I find out about her.
I do not have a choice but to let her go. I will do my best when I face her to smile and show her that all what she is doing is O.K.
Pffft well yeah, if you want to take the pessimistic easy way out and complain about what you cannot have right now, then you have lost her to the OM for good. But just for a second let's take another crack at this and see the silver lining through all these dark clouds.
For starters this affair gives her a chance to relive past trauma and work through it in her way. I'm guessing her father's abandonment left her feeling vulnerable in every relationship so she either hung on for dear life or checked out early to save herself the heartache - ahem, as in this situation. The good here is she can finally see what's it's like on the other side and what she missed out on later.
Also she gets to experience a completely different role with the OM and grow as a person. Often in relationships we assume a certain role and get frozen there when people expect the same and treat us the same day in and day out. At least this way she can pretend she's a big fish in a small pond for now. Though going completely against your own character often leaves you feeling artificial and empty no matter how attractive or interesting you appear on the outside - As in the persona she put on to keep the OM interested. The good about this is that she will get back in touch with the woman you married and learn a few things about what really makes her happy in any relationship.
You also get to experience new things and grow as well but the path for you is going to be rocky and take longer to reach the same end. As the betrayed spouse you will come out on top by continuously working on yourself and you're relationship skills. When they're relationship is breaking down and she starts reaching out to friends to talk to or reaching for another option as the biological father you'll always have a high spot on her list. The way you treat her during visitations, through the divorce, and after it's all over can really make a difference and change her expectation of you.... possible make her miss the better option once the Om has lost his new jerk smell.
It's important to remember your wife and the OM are not some Disney villain and perfect angel, they are certainly not Olive Oyl and Bluto. They are two people who thought they had more in common talking about their problems with each other instead of anyone else. They shared vulnerabilities and offered comfort promising futures greater than any reasonable thinking person could offer. Sure at first they joked about getting together and made small sexual comments or flirtations almost anyone is guilty of, but once the offer was laid out with enough love bank deposits the affair blossomed.
You have an even greater chance of attracting her back than you know. BUT you have time and many expectations of hers working against you. For now you have to let her leave exactly the way she wants and then go dark for some time until you're better healed. Take this time like a freakin blessing to work on your career, your body, your character, your parenting skills, and your patience like never before. You may think you're out of the match for good after what's-his-face kicked your sand castle and took your girl but you're really not out of the game yet. You just have to wait for his attraction to wear off and work on creating some of your own. And quite often when you absolutely don't want her and have found a better option..... she'll be back. It's almost like exes have "he's found someone better" spidey-sense and have to come back to mess it up.