Ok,when i try to talk to him about anything real - this is what happens
he starts saying things like "you are just playing games, you don't mean anything, you always manipulate me. All you want to do is control me."
He will start getting himself worked up to see everything in our relationship as bad and wrong and my fault. He just keeps getting worse and worse, saying more and more hurtful things about how I feel, what i'm doing etc. All untrue!
I'll say something like "whoa - hold on, I understand you feel these things but can you please not say them as if they are absolutes? Honey I love you but it really hurts me when you think so poorly of me, and I have trouble listening when you use words like that. I can appreciate that you may be misunderstanding what i'm doing, but i NEVER mean to play games, I do mean what I say and I don't want to manipulate you or make you angry or frustrated. Can we please talk about this without attacking each other? I really feel attacked when you do that"
He will answer with "FU*K IT! If you aren't going to let me express myself why should I talk to you?!" Then he looks off into the distance, angrilly flicking his ciggerette, his jaw muscles jumping in anger and wont talk. and won't talk. and won't talk. 10 minutes can go by with him doing this. me not daring to move.
If I say, "I'm sorry I made you frustrated, I guess we should pick this up later?"
He will answer with "Did I SAY I was Fu*king FRUSTRATED? Did I say that? HUH?" ( no you didn't, but you are acting really angry honey) DON'T TELL ME HOW I"M ACTING!! THIS IS WHY I HAVE TO LIE TO YOU. THIS IS WHY I NEVER TALK TO YOU. LOOK WHAT YOU ARE DOING!!! (sweetie, I dont understand, what do you think I'm doing? I'm just trying to talk to you.) YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING! I'M NOT GOING TO TALK TO YOU WHILE YOU ARE PLAYING THESE GAMES!
and then things go nowhere. help!
If I let him finish by being quiet then try to say something like "ok, i hear you think I'm manipulating you. I don't understand that, can you explain it please"
He will say "FU*K IT. You KNOW what you are doing, I TOLD you what you were doing, why should I have to explain it? My answers are never good enough for you, are they? You always want more. You just want to pick everything apart. You are just playing GAMES with me asking me to explain what you know full well"
-- Honey, I want to understand. But I don't feel I'm playing games with you. I just want us to talk and be real. Can you help me out here?
-- YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING! I'M NOT GOING TO TALK TO YOU WHILE YOU ARE PLAYING THESE GAMES!
I have NO idea what he's talking about. How on earth can we get to a real and decent conversation when he's like this?
I don't know what to do
He says if he yells it's because I push his buttons
If I yell it's because I'm mentally unstable
If He loses his temper and thows things it's just because I have made him defend himself by playing games and manipulating him
If I get angry (I don't throw stuff) it's because I have a serious anger problem.
If He says he is sorry (something that hasn't happened in the last year) It's because he's sincere and means it (and i'd better accept!)
If I apologize i'm just 'playing games' and 'don't mean it'