Chopblock

I read 3 or 4 posts from men having the same problem, and several more from women who "are" the problem. That is enough to prove the problem is not unique to me. Add to that the people responding saying "this happens to me too" and the responses/threads from other forums all about the same thing allow me to say this problem is NOT unique. While I understand I generalize sometimes, let us not pretend that I am also the only one with a problem, or that my gf is the only woman acting this way.

You are right about the pumice, but most men still have no idea what it is and what its for. Even those that do (perhaps they see the stone in the shower) are not all offering to do that for their partners.

Now I completely understand, and have explored before the point you made about "why are you doing this". I know that starting out with the mindset "if I give her a bath and a gift and pamper her, she'll sleep with me" is setting oneself up for failure.

At the same time though, even if I'm doing it to be nice and expecting nothing in return, there is a difference between expecting and hoping. Making it conditional is not going to get me anywhere. However, I don't think its completely unfair for me to hope that if I make an effort in certain areas, I will be rewarded in other areas. Isn't that what some of this is about: "I want you to be happier so I will make an effort to meet these needs".

I have considered that to some degree, she believes my only motivation for doing <thing> is to get some -- this is also not unique as evidenced by posts on this forum and others. But consider the fact that I am STILL doing these nice things despite not getting any sex. I believe to some degree that should prove authenticity of the idea: if I was only doing this to get sex, I'd have given up long ago. Even she has to realize that with a year being a stones throw away, it just isn't worth the effort if all I want is something I'm not getting.

I am 99% sure it is not medical. Again, throwing me a bone would be nice, but I've ruled that situation out. I'd like to believe that if it was medical, that using that as an excuse would be a much better deterrent. "I'm not in the mood" implies that were she in the mood, <thing> would happen. But: "every time I do <thing> I am in a ton of pain" is much more absolute.

And if it is a medical problem and she can't admit that to me.... well then what does that say about her willingness to communicate? I'm here drowning in doubt, working my butt off to please her; but she can't fill me in on a piece of information that would shed light on a major problem?

As to the "everything is great but..." type of stance. There is no relationship that is problem free, and I never said mine was problem free. What I object to is the lack of teamwork on solving, or getting to the root of what is a major problem in an otherwise fine relationship. We can communicate about so many other things, we have common interests, we can exist together. Again, the actions of love are there to back up the words.

Swedish, you make a good point. FYI, I ALWAYS take care of her first, so at the very least she is getting something out of it too. The way you phrased it though: essentially the desire for the benefit has to outweigh the stigma, may very well be the be all end all of the problem.

I accept that women view it differently than men. Fine. However I still believe that every day that goes by without, is a day we did things "her way". In a he wants/she doesn't want situation, the compromise can only be "you get your way sometimes, I get my way sometimes". Thats fine as long as its equitable. I don't think "my way for 8 months, your way for 30 mins" is equitable.

Guess we'll see. I have one more question I may post in a follow up thread so as not to hijack this one.