Talk About Marriage - View Single Post

Chopblock · 05-05-2008, 12:18 PM

I don't believe you can't fix, leave, or change. I believe you need to pick ONE and MAKE it happen.

He is this way for a reason. Many men fail to show emotion to the degree women want. But also, many men stay tough because they fear being "changed". He may fear that if he starts giving in, you will try to change him, and he likes the way he is.

Do you REALLY live in squalor? Do pigs eat out of your trash? I don't mind the hyperbole if its accurate, but realistically what is it you are asking for and what kind of demands are there on his time? I can see getting irritated if he always has 5 hours a day for internet games. But if he works, and then comes home to chores before bed, I can see him being frustrated when his few free moments are annexed for stuff he may not see value in.

As a man who sometimes feels that my gf expects unreasonable things, I can tell you that a lot of it is in how, when, and what you say.

One woman I know, who wanted to have a successful money discussion without it turning into a fight, started using sports terms like "financial grand slam" or "touchdown" or "penalty box" or whatever. It sounds cheezy, but guess what... a productive, positive, successful discussion without a fight was achieved!

Think about it: you try talking to him. He gets defensive and tries to escape, so you try HARDER, and get more upset. He feels caged and cornered, so of COURSE he is going to shut down. When something doesn't work, you don't up the intensity, you try something else.

Does he like sex? Do you have it anymore, or have you shut down? You guys may be caught in a downward spiral each harboring unreasonable beliefs and prejudices about the other. You need to reconnect.

What got you two together in the first place? How can that be rekindled? What do you love about him? What does he love about you?

THESE are the things you should be milling over to find your starting point.

05-05-2008, 12:18 PM	#3 (permalink)
Chopblock Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 77	Re: multiple problems I don't believe you can't fix, leave, or change. I believe you need to pick ONE and MAKE it happen. He is this way for a reason. Many men fail to show emotion to the degree women want. But also, many men stay tough because they fear being "changed". He may fear that if he starts giving in, you will try to change him, and he likes the way he is. Do you REALLY live in squalor? Do pigs eat out of your trash? I don't mind the hyperbole if its accurate, but realistically what is it you are asking for and what kind of demands are there on his time? I can see getting irritated if he always has 5 hours a day for internet games. But if he works, and then comes home to chores before bed, I can see him being frustrated when his few free moments are annexed for stuff he may not see value in. As a man who sometimes feels that my gf expects unreasonable things, I can tell you that a lot of it is in how, when, and what you say. One woman I know, who wanted to have a successful money discussion without it turning into a fight, started using sports terms like "financial grand slam" or "touchdown" or "penalty box" or whatever. It sounds cheezy, but guess what... a productive, positive, successful discussion without a fight was achieved! Think about it: you try talking to him. He gets defensive and tries to escape, so you try HARDER, and get more upset. He feels caged and cornered, so of COURSE he is going to shut down. When something doesn't work, you don't up the intensity, you try something else. Does he like sex? Do you have it anymore, or have you shut down? You guys may be caught in a downward spiral each harboring unreasonable beliefs and prejudices about the other. You need to reconnect. What got you two together in the first place? How can that be rekindled? What do you love about him? What does he love about you? THESE are the things you should be milling over to find your starting point.