Originally Posted by KathyBatesel
I'm afraid I don't agree with Try and Toffer on this one.
You said she had two emotional affairs. I don't call that "serial cheating" when you also say she repeatedly told you what she needed to see and you repeatedly ignored her because you didn't think she was serious about leaving. Those EAs were trial runs at seeing what would be out there for her if she left.
Notcoping, Kathy is making an important point that I'm sure every single betrayed spouse in the whole wide wurld will agree with-
No betrayed spouse can, in good conscience, say that they were actually cheated on if their unfaithful spouse told them they needed to change at least twice.
Haha. Just kidding, I like to rephrase poorly thought out statements in a way that shows the lack of brain activity involved.
So moving on to a little bit more thoughtful commentary.
NC, you have identified some personal failings in your marriage. You were neglectful, mean, thoughtless at times. You have a bad porn addiction. And you have a really low self esteem problem that you need to fix ASAP.
Yeah, you didn't actually list low self esteem as one of your failings, but it's holding you down even as you read these threads.
Let me explain something to you.
YOUR WIFE IS UNFAITHFUL. She betrayed you. Multiple times that you know of. She doesn't love you.
Confronted with these wounds, a healthy confident man would pick himself up off the ground, do what he could to expedite the divorce, and then spend some time identifying his shortcomings as a mate, and FIXING THEM.
You have a couple of choices, here.
1) Beg, plead, and make a fool of yourself pursuing your wife, promising that "this time you'll change." The technical term for this behavior is "doormat." The place you will find yourself, relationship-wise, is known as "limbo," until your wife pushes through the divorce.
2) Hem, haw, and fail to take any active steps to assert some control over your life, while "giving your wife space." Still in limbo, but at least you won't be engaging in doormat behavior.
3) Do your best to grab control of your life. Start doing the 180. Get some counseling, to help you change your negative behaviors. Spend time with your friends. Make new friends. Pick up your old hobbies (not, not porn, lol). Find some new hobbies. Work on YOU. Give your wife "the gift of missing you."
If she decides she likes you after all, you can then sit down with her and calmly discuss why she has the morals of a dog in heat. If you still want her by then.
Good luck. Despite what some people say, you didn't do anything to merit being cheated on. If your behavior was so intolerable, a decent woman would have divorced you before she started dating other men.
Telling your spouse that you need them to change is justification for a lot of things, but infidelity isn't one of them.