| | Re: Getting Past Abuse
Abuse is not a sickness. It is a choice. Please read the book "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. It is an excellent, realistic look at angry and abusive men by someone who was in on the beginning of treatment of abusers. He cuts through all the excuses of abusive parents, addicted parents, etc.
Short answer: there is no excuse for abusing you. Until he 1.) admits it AND 2.) takes responsibility for his actions, there is really no chance he will change. He has already moved to physical abuse. it will only get worse, and that is statistically proven.
I know it sounds harsh, but you and your child are not safe. You are not responsible for whether or not he completes anger management. He is. He is addicted to controlling you. He is addicted to the power he gets from abusing you. That is the blunt truth.
Not everyone who witnesses a mother being abused becomes an abuser. Not everyone who was abused as a child becomes an abuser. Not everyone who was in the military becomes an abuser.
Whenever he throws something at you, or grabs you, or puts you down, he chooses to do it.
I feel very strongly about this, and I want you and your child to be safe. Yes, you took vows to stay with him. It says 'til death do us part,' but doesn't say you should stay with him and give him a chance to do the job. Please take it seriously. Get out while you still can. It will be hard to break away; you obviously care a lot about him. But your child is a small, innocent being. She only has you to protect her. You need to be strong and get out of the abuse.
Are you going to any kind of therapy, or have you talked to your local domestic abuse shelter? Please find out what kind of resources are available in your town and take advantage of them. If he does change, your taking care of yourself and your child will not do anything to prevent a reconciliation.
Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray. -- Rumi