Talk About Marriage - View Single Post

pigpen · 05-05-2008, 06:49 PM

I grew up in a house where the man (my moms second husband) acted exactly like your husband.
Lets get to the heart of the matter. Your man, only child or not, is 30 and acting 4. He married you. He needs to understand that marriage is not about how you will fit into his little fantasy of life. right now you are at the bottom of the pecking order. Accepting his childish behavior and trying like mad to find some little trick to make it all work will only lead you down a road of frustration.
Been there done that. 18 years now. I give this advice because this is advice no one told me.
I got all the mamby pamby talk about "learning to compromise and learning to see things from his point of view. He isnt bothering to do this with you. Dont waste your time and emotion trying to do this with him.
The behaviors you describe are indicative of severe problems. Not with you - with him and it will only get worse.
Go talk to a marriage counselor. He will be threatened. he wil accuse you of looking for a reason to leave him and he will assume, no matter how much you reassure him that you love him, that you are lying. He is not just emotionally unapproachable. He witholds his emotions. In time he may begin to use emotion as a form of punishment and reward. This is abusive behavior. I am not saying is a an abuser. But the need to control his environment with absolution means that you are a "guest" in your home. You are a visitor and he will make sure you do not become permanent.
If you want to save this marriage you need to get some real tools to dealing with this personality. Love is not enough, will and good intentions be damned.
He will NOT "come out of his shell" like some hairy primate butterfly. He is who he is. You can accept it and learn to work with it. But you need help to sort it through.
This is harsh and straight. But no one would tell me these things when they should have. So - curse me and tell me I am wrong. But I would rather be disliked on this board than give you useless advice like "decorate the bedroom"

05-05-2008, 06:49 PM	#9 (permalink)
pigpen Member Join Date: May 2008 Posts: 32	Re: Is Marriage supposed to be like this?? I grew up in a house where the man (my moms second husband) acted exactly like your husband. Lets get to the heart of the matter. Your man, only child or not, is 30 and acting 4. He married you. He needs to understand that marriage is not about how you will fit into his little fantasy of life. right now you are at the bottom of the pecking order. Accepting his childish behavior and trying like mad to find some little trick to make it all work will only lead you down a road of frustration. Been there done that. 18 years now. I give this advice because this is advice no one told me. I got all the mamby pamby talk about "learning to compromise and learning to see things from his point of view. He isnt bothering to do this with you. Dont waste your time and emotion trying to do this with him. The behaviors you describe are indicative of severe problems. Not with you - with him and it will only get worse. Go talk to a marriage counselor. He will be threatened. he wil accuse you of looking for a reason to leave him and he will assume, no matter how much you reassure him that you love him, that you are lying. He is not just emotionally unapproachable. He witholds his emotions. In time he may begin to use emotion as a form of punishment and reward. This is abusive behavior. I am not saying is a an abuser. But the need to control his environment with absolution means that you are a "guest" in your home. You are a visitor and he will make sure you do not become permanent. If you want to save this marriage you need to get some real tools to dealing with this personality. Love is not enough, will and good intentions be damned. He will NOT "come out of his shell" like some hairy primate butterfly. He is who he is. You can accept it and learn to work with it. But you need help to sort it through. This is harsh and straight. But no one would tell me these things when they should have. So - curse me and tell me I am wrong. But I would rather be disliked on this board than give you useless advice like "decorate the bedroom"