Jibril

You are... Iowaboy's spouse? Correct?

Thanks for posting. Not to nitpick, but please use paragraphs breaks next time - walls of text make for difficult reads.

Alrighty. Now, picking through the annoying self-pity, I can say this: stop calling yourself a "wh@re." No one was paying you. You made some very stupid decisions. You are an unfaithful woman. A cheating spouse. Put-downs won't earn you sympathy here - remorse and devotion will.

- Dates. When did this sexual affair start and end, exactly. No BS, please. How long have you been seeing your lover.

- Have you tested yourself for STDs? Don't kid us with "I wore protection." You make no note of it, and posters here all know that affairs almost never involve condoms.

"I noticed the sex wasn't as good as the sex I had with my husband. I just rationalized the ok sex as he didn't know me well enough sexually"

I see this often. "Sorry babe. I cheated, but he sucked. he was no where near as good as you." Listen. You may be telling the truth. But you may also be trying to stroke your angry husband's ego. There had to be some reason why you had sex with this man repeatedly, so this statement doesn't hold any water.

Why, oh why, did you not just talk to your husband before things got bad? This is probably the stupidest thing about affairs, and what always sets me off. Why can't you communicate with your partner?

You claim that your lover was a bad sexual partner, but you made love to him repeatedly, even when he was supposedly harming you and when you were supposedly not enjoying the experience. You broke it off twice, and you admit it was a purely sexual relationship, but the sex sucked and you kept coming back because he said "sorry"?? I find this incredibly difficult to believe. It just makes no sense. How do you explain this?

You're clearly upset. Let me be a tad sympathetic. Instead of trying put efforts into putting yourself down, why not put effort into trying to help your husband recover.

You sound like an intelligent girl. You need to sit down with your husband and sets some rules and boundaries for your marriage. Posters here will be more than happy to direct you to books, forum posts and the like that can help you structure your marriage into something you will be proud of.

Also, make note that reconcile is a long and difficult process. Your husband will have to work on rebuilding the relationship, yes, but you will be doing most of the leg-work. You need to show him that you are completely and utterly devoted to him. You must be his partner in all things.

First of all, do not contact your lover ever again. Ever again. Send him an email/letter of no-contact, stating that you will be working on rebuilding your marriage. That you will not be corresponding with him ever again, and that any contact he attempts you will show to your husband, You will never, under any circumstances, respond to your now-ex lover.

Inform all of your family members and friends of the affair. Yes, you read that right. Tell your mom you cheated on your husband. Tell your sister, your friends, your dad, your in-laws, everyone. They need to know. Have your husband contact your lover's parents and have him tell them. Put everyone on the same page. This will stigmatize you and your lover. That's good. The farther you two are from one another, the better. It also puts you and your spouse back at square-one. You rebuild a marriage from this point on.

No more secrets, no more lies. He must have access to all your social life-lines - your phone, your email accounts, facebook, etc. All of it. Don't delete anything, and tell him everything.