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Chopblock · 05-06-2008, 01:37 PM

***"He might be feeling that any advances he tries to make are unwanted."

Yeah, I agree with this statement. It sounds like after actions and words demonstrating no desire for sex, he has finally "taken the hint" as it were and concluded "she doesn't want sex". For you to completely reverse course after all that conditioning just complicates matters further.

One thing you said that struck me as hopeful was this: "that im just not ready and why not having a another child right at this moment is important"

Personally, it sounds to me like you are not saying "no" you are just saying "not yet". If that is the case, instead of saying "not now" how about saying "in 2 years" or something a bit more reassuring. Of course you should only say this if you intend it to be true, but I think that stating you have a plan that is slightly different from his will carry much more opportunity for positive compromise than implying you are rejecting his idea outright.

As far as the on/off switch. A friend and I differ about whether or not men or women are more like dimmer switches. I always felt men were "always on to some degree" (like a dimmer) while women definitely have an "off" position. He thinks the reverse, but whatever -- both are probably true depending on the person.

Again, if his switch is in the off position, do acknowledge that you have had a part in getting it there. This isn't me blaming you, this is me giving you an opportunity for discussion. If you admit to him that you know you pushed him away, and that you see how things you did had the opposite effect that you wanted, he may be more willing to talk.

More simply put: men spend so much time being "wrong", that they greatly appreciate when a woman is able to admit her own mistakes. You do not want to make him feel like he is always wrong -- you want to make him feel like you made a mistake, and that you really value his opinion too.

Keep this in mind cuz a lot of people forget it: you know how firm you feel about NOT having a child right now? Well imagine he feels equally firm about having the child now. I'm amazed at how people tend to forget that their partners can feel just as strongly about the opposite side as the person feels about his/her own side.

As such, don't think in terms of "why his way is wrong" because he is also thinking that your way is wrong (maybe not in as negative a light, but you see what I'm getting at). Focus on working together.

05-06-2008, 01:37 PM	#26 (permalink)
Chopblock Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 173	Re: Repulsed ***"He might be feeling that any advances he tries to make are unwanted." Yeah, I agree with this statement. It sounds like after actions and words demonstrating no desire for sex, he has finally "taken the hint" as it were and concluded "she doesn't want sex". For you to completely reverse course after all that conditioning just complicates matters further. One thing you said that struck me as hopeful was this: "that im just not ready and why not having a another child right at this moment is important" Personally, it sounds to me like you are not saying "no" you are just saying "not yet". If that is the case, instead of saying "not now" how about saying "in 2 years" or something a bit more reassuring. Of course you should only say this if you intend it to be true, but I think that stating you have a plan that is slightly different from his will carry much more opportunity for positive compromise than implying you are rejecting his idea outright. As far as the on/off switch. A friend and I differ about whether or not men or women are more like dimmer switches. I always felt men were "always on to some degree" (like a dimmer) while women definitely have an "off" position. He thinks the reverse, but whatever -- both are probably true depending on the person. Again, if his switch is in the off position, do acknowledge that you have had a part in getting it there. This isn't me blaming you, this is me giving you an opportunity for discussion. If you admit to him that you know you pushed him away, and that you see how things you did had the opposite effect that you wanted, he may be more willing to talk. More simply put: men spend so much time being "wrong", that they greatly appreciate when a woman is able to admit her own mistakes. You do not want to make him feel like he is always wrong -- you want to make him feel like you made a mistake, and that you really value his opinion too. Keep this in mind cuz a lot of people forget it: you know how firm you feel about NOT having a child right now? Well imagine he feels equally firm about having the child now. I'm amazed at how people tend to forget that their partners can feel just as strongly about the opposite side as the person feels about his/her own side. As such, don't think in terms of "why his way is wrong" because he is also thinking that your way is wrong (maybe not in as negative a light, but you see what I'm getting at). Focus on working together.