Originally Posted by WantToMakeThingsWork
This was often motivated by fear and the desire to prevent anyone from having the power to make me feel as helpless as my parents did.
Been there done that.
And the irony is your husband DOES have power over you. Whether you realize it or not you handed it over to him on a silver platter. And you are absolutely behaving helpless. Read up on learned helplessness while you're at it.
My advice in the here and now is to quit focusing on your husband. Oh on the surface it appears as if he's the cause of all your problems but I assure you he's not. He's merely a symptom of a much larger problem.
You need to heal yourself, learn to be happy by yourself, and detach from him emotionally. I know I know easier said than done but hear me out. The more you focus on him the less you will be able to fix what's wrong. You will stay helpless and you aren't really. It's a false belief. You are so very powerful more powerful than you know. You just need to claim it.
The process of detaching is quite painful as you've identified yourself too much in terms of him. You struggle being alone. And yet the very thing you fear is the very thing that will bring you peace. You just have to stay with it until you get in touch with the real you that is there.
Its hard. I've been married 20 years and sometimes I fall into that trap of making my happiness reside in him. It's so not true though. My happiness is IN me not in any outside person, thing or circumstance. My marriage almost failed because I was too needy. I couldn't be alone and I sure thought I couldn't be happy without him. So not true. Ironically the happier I am without him the happier I am WITH him. Make sense?