Chopblock

Yes I romance her, help around the house (do most of the chores/cooking/cleaning...) tell her I love her, blah blah blah. She has it really good.

Yes I have asked these questions of her over the years, and have given up asking because I won't get an answer. At this point I would rather hear "I don't find you attractive anymore" than "I don't know" so I could at least figure out whether to stay or go.

While I understand that "quid pro quo" can be damaging, I feel that I work hard to meet her needs (and wants) and shortchanged that I feel I am not given the same courtesy. While I do my best not to make the things I do contingent on sex, as her happiness is quite important to me, I feel that since I am putting in all the work of a romantic commitment, that I deserve some of the benefits.

Let me address your good points individually then:

The part about projecting intent onto someone is something we've both been guilty of in the past. The thing is, a lot of it is self-reinforced. I mean, if 4 out of 5 times yield a particular result, its hard not to expect that the 5th time will yield the same result.

If I'm understanding you correctly, you are saying a big part of the healing is to understand what is really being said during some of the interchanges that cause common stress. In your case "asking for help" did not mean "get over here and do this".

That is something I am actively working on, and feel is getting better.

However I must say, I also feel fatigued by hearing the same excuses or lack thereof over and over. "I don't know why" and "I'm not in the mood" is just not acceptable anymore. 8+ months of drought is long enough to get in the mood, or at least figure out why you aren't.

I disagree with "taking the face of it". Quite often I feel I am expected to understand the full subtext and hidden meanings behind cryptic phrases. I would love everything to be straight up, say what you mean, mean what you say, and so forth. Sometimes it is, sometimes its not.

Thank you.