Originally Posted by Almostrecovered
an excellent update but I will caution you in regards to the last paragraph
I am also an athiest, a logical thinker and man who views the world in many ways like you do. I also went through a stage where I thought I would be just fine and my reconciliation was not only with my wife but with myself as you point out.
It doesn't last
and I don't say this to make you feel bad after such a productive day, I am very happy you are making positive steps, you aren't rug-sweeping this, you are verifying your wife's words through her action, etc
but this sort of healing is a non-linear process
imagine a graph that has peaks and valleys but the general trend is a positive one. (two steps forward, one step back, 3 steps forward, 2 steps back, etc)
I just bring this up so you are prepared and don't dwell in the morass when you have a bad day and to approach it in a detached manner. You will have paranoid bouts, you will have further anger, you will have further depression, you will want to ask the same questions again for validation, you will hate OM, you will depise your wife's actions, you will hate yourself and wonder what you could have done to prevented it, etc etc
It's all "normal" and I bring it up not only for that reason but also to help prevent you from trying to bury it and rug-sweep again. When you have those bad days, you go to your wife and let her bear the brunt of the fall-out. You tell her what you need to feel better and if she is it for the long haul and wants that gift of R she will do it. Do not suppress those feelings, do not be afraid to "beat a dead horse" or chase her away. It's her onus to help you through this. It's exactly what we mean by saying the WS needs to do the heavy lifting.
But again, it's great to hear this update, I still implore you to expose the OM sooner than later.
Agreed, and thank you for the advice. The biggest blow that I am dealing with at the moment is, as I mentioned in my last post, being forced to see my wife as a human being who does not exist only for me. I brought this up to her last night -- how I worry when I catch her staring off into space with a serious expression on her face that some part of her is mourning the loss of the affair, or if she is silently debating with herself that she really wants me and this marriage and not something else. She quickly responded with, "No! Today I have been thinking a lot about what we talked about, and about how I want to go about preparing the philosophy course with our child. I will always want you, and I feel so grateful and lucky that you haven't walked out on me. In fact, I feel worried that I will drive you away because I want to be joined at your hip all the time ... and I know how much you like your space."
Listening to her say that ... that **** about me liking my space ... let me know that I, too, have a long way to go to show her that I DO desire her in my life and want to be with her as well.
And I don't think I can possibly rug sweep any negative emotions I have. I wear them on my sleeve, and my wife notices every time I am having an issue, and many times she initiates a conversation herself -- despite knowing that it can result in me making her rehash the whole episode over and over and over. So, she's been a real trooper so far, and both of us realize that constant, open conversation is necessary for real healing.
As for the OM ... ugh.