Talk About Marriage - View Single Post

swedish · 05-07-2008, 11:33 AM

Bob is making you feel the way you do because he is filling the voids you've been feeling within your marriage (of feeling loved, appreciated, listened to) and as all new relationships go, the feelings are intense and exciting, but as all seasoned relationships go, will eventually fade with Bob too. He is like the plaster you use to fix a hole in the wall. It's a quick fix and does the job, but will never be as strong as the original wall, which took much more time and effort to create.

I would guess Bob is telling you he wants to back off because he doesn't want to cause more problems for you. In reality, he's probably wanting the fun and excitement of being with you but does not want the drama of your husband finding out. If you leave your husband and continue with Bob, how do you see it playing out? Even if Bob sticks around, you will always have contact with your husband because of the children and it doesn't sound as though Bob will come to terms with that and it will most likely be the source of problems with Bob down the road, especially if your husband has a lot of anger towards him.

The way I see it, you only have 2 choices here if you want to save yourself from a complete disaster:

1) Try to work on the problems within your marriage. Your husband seems to be awakened now that this is serious so there is an opportunity to make real change if you are willing to cut all contact with Bob and put in the effort.

2) End the marriage and be on your own. If you really don't see the marriage working at least decide that together with your husband and part ways amicably so that it is least disruptive for your children. That way, everyone involved will have some time to adjust to the new arrangement without underlying anger and resentment.

If you run into the arms of Bob, I can only see disaster down the road.

To the points made above, I do believe having friends of the opposite sex depends on the person. Some can handle it fine, others cannot. If you ever find yourself in a situation where you are saying things you would not if your spouse were there, it's a red flag that it's time to back off.

I would recommend reading the 5 love languages as it puts into perspective those intense feelings at the start of a relationship with the deeper love that follows. Many marriages get into a rut as the years go by and all relationships lose that exciting feeling after a few years (at most) so whatever you decide, go in knowing that even with Bob the butterflies won't be there forever and you could very well be in the same position with him in years to come...figure out how to be happy alone and decide whether you can also be happy within your marriage.

Good luck.

05-07-2008, 11:33 AM	#9 (permalink)
swedish Moderator Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Near Chicago Posts: 1,155	Re: Torn Bob is making you feel the way you do because he is filling the voids you've been feeling within your marriage (of feeling loved, appreciated, listened to) and as all new relationships go, the feelings are intense and exciting, but as all seasoned relationships go, will eventually fade with Bob too. He is like the plaster you use to fix a hole in the wall. It's a quick fix and does the job, but will never be as strong as the original wall, which took much more time and effort to create. I would guess Bob is telling you he wants to back off because he doesn't want to cause more problems for you. In reality, he's probably wanting the fun and excitement of being with you but does not want the drama of your husband finding out. If you leave your husband and continue with Bob, how do you see it playing out? Even if Bob sticks around, you will always have contact with your husband because of the children and it doesn't sound as though Bob will come to terms with that and it will most likely be the source of problems with Bob down the road, especially if your husband has a lot of anger towards him. The way I see it, you only have 2 choices here if you want to save yourself from a complete disaster: 1) Try to work on the problems within your marriage. Your husband seems to be awakened now that this is serious so there is an opportunity to make real change if you are willing to cut all contact with Bob and put in the effort. 2) End the marriage and be on your own. If you really don't see the marriage working at least decide that together with your husband and part ways amicably so that it is least disruptive for your children. That way, everyone involved will have some time to adjust to the new arrangement without underlying anger and resentment. If you run into the arms of Bob, I can only see disaster down the road. To the points made above, I do believe having friends of the opposite sex depends on the person. Some can handle it fine, others cannot. If you ever find yourself in a situation where you are saying things you would not if your spouse were there, it's a red flag that it's time to back off. I would recommend reading the 5 love languages as it puts into perspective those intense feelings at the start of a relationship with the deeper love that follows. Many marriages get into a rut as the years go by and all relationships lose that exciting feeling after a few years (at most) so whatever you decide, go in knowing that even with Bob the butterflies won't be there forever and you could very well be in the same position with him in years to come...figure out how to be happy alone and decide whether you can also be happy within your marriage. Good luck.