Talk About Marriage - View Single Post

believer · 05-07-2008, 08:18 PM

If you stay together for the kids - don't you think they see what is going on? And if they do ( know what is going on with Mom) - don't you think they are wondering why you are letting her treat you this way? My 2 are 7 & 2 so I can't relate to having teenagers - I am sure they would be much more outspoken and have many more questions than my little ones.
But it is often said that children ( maybe not teenagers??) are more resilent then we think. I think a lot of how you the parent present it to them, are open & not "pit" each other against each other have a huge impact on how the kids cope & adjust.

About the getting along & not fighting - As I mentioned in previous thread - I can relate to your situation now in another way. My husband & I too get along fine, no fighting & very amicable - I think it would be an easier decision to divorce if it was the yelling, screaming - I hate you situation but it's not. So could we continue to live like this & get along? - probably yes & we have been for the past 3 years - trying to figure out what went wrong & if we can work things out between us.

The "comfort" thing - yes, you have been together a long time & it would be difficult to have to start all over again. And many things in both your lives would change - not too many are eager for change when they are comfortable - most people are scared of the unknown. However, you just don't seem happy living your life the way it is - working your butt off around the house & keeping the family together while on the other hand your wife is out doing her own thing & having fun.
At least if you were on your own, all the work you are doing would be appreciated by yourself. It would be less cooking cleaning,etc ( for 1 less).
You mention hold onto what you have built - what do you mean? Are you happy with what you currently have together - besides 2 wonderful kids? If you decide to stay- I think you & your wife need to identify what in your relationship got so off track that your wife felt the need to seek companionship elsewhere? However, if your wife is not going to come clean about her speculated affair - it is going to be very hard to communicate & determine what is the underlying problem & if she doesn't see or think there is aproblem then she is not going to be probably be very receptive to any changes that need to be made.
You can stay & always wonder why did I stay? What if I didn't stay - what would have happened? But either way right now, it sounds like you are living a "lie" ( the wife lying to you or you & she lying to yourselves that you 'pretending" to be the happy family that you are not).
If you stay because of the kids, I think they will ultimately see your unhappiness & resentment - if they don't already.
Guess we can wait & hear from others about how their kids handled the situation.
Best of luck- take your time making a decision you feel right about.

05-07-2008, 08:18 PM	#17 (permalink)
believer Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Posts: 58	Re: Not sure I want her home If you stay together for the kids - don't you think they see what is going on? And if they do ( know what is going on with Mom) - don't you think they are wondering why you are letting her treat you this way? My 2 are 7 & 2 so I can't relate to having teenagers - I am sure they would be much more outspoken and have many more questions than my little ones. But it is often said that children ( maybe not teenagers??) are more resilent then we think. I think a lot of how you the parent present it to them, are open & not "pit" each other against each other have a huge impact on how the kids cope & adjust. About the getting along & not fighting - As I mentioned in previous thread - I can relate to your situation now in another way. My husband & I too get along fine, no fighting & very amicable - I think it would be an easier decision to divorce if it was the yelling, screaming - I hate you situation but it's not. So could we continue to live like this & get along? - probably yes & we have been for the past 3 years - trying to figure out what went wrong & if we can work things out between us. The "comfort" thing - yes, you have been together a long time & it would be difficult to have to start all over again. And many things in both your lives would change - not too many are eager for change when they are comfortable - most people are scared of the unknown. However, you just don't seem happy living your life the way it is - working your butt off around the house & keeping the family together while on the other hand your wife is out doing her own thing & having fun. At least if you were on your own, all the work you are doing would be appreciated by yourself. It would be less cooking cleaning,etc ( for 1 less). You mention hold onto what you have built - what do you mean? Are you happy with what you currently have together - besides 2 wonderful kids? If you decide to stay- I think you & your wife need to identify what in your relationship got so off track that your wife felt the need to seek companionship elsewhere? However, if your wife is not going to come clean about her speculated affair - it is going to be very hard to communicate & determine what is the underlying problem & if she doesn't see or think there is aproblem then she is not going to be probably be very receptive to any changes that need to be made. You can stay & always wonder why did I stay? What if I didn't stay - what would have happened? But either way right now, it sounds like you are living a "lie" ( the wife lying to you or you & she lying to yourselves that you 'pretending" to be the happy family that you are not). If you stay because of the kids, I think they will ultimately see your unhappiness & resentment - if they don't already. Guess we can wait & hear from others about how their kids handled the situation. Best of luck- take your time making a decision you feel right about.