Talk About Marriage - View Single Post

pigpen · 05-08-2008, 05:33 AM

Is the marriage REALLY dead?

Which is why I waffle. I do not want the marriage to be dead. I like my husband when I am not thinking of him as a husband.

Then I start thinking, am I REALLY doing all I think I am to save our marriage myself?

Several years ago I asked him to go to a marriage counselor with me. The way I approached it was to say "When ever we try to talk we end up arguing. This makes me feel bad because I can not talk to you. I would really like it if we went to see a marriage couselor. A counselor could help us learn to talk to one another"

It ended up in a nasty fight. He basically told me that I was a crazy b**** and if he had known I had so many mental problems he would not have married me. He also insisted that I just expected him to jump through hoops to prove his love.

I did go alone for a while. It felt useless to do it alone and that all I was doing was paying someone to listen to a diatribe. I never mentioned couseling with hubby again until last year.

In the mean time I found a web site that detailed verbal and emotional abuse. One day I casually asked my husband "come here, I want you to see something". I kind of tricked him into reading it. For the very first time ever he admitted his behavior was not right. He recognized his behavior. That seemed so promising. He assured me that he would do "anything" to make our marriage work.

This is where I made MY mistake. I said that what bothers me most is that he does not participate. That he leaves so much up to me. Because this was huge for me then there was only one thing I wanted him to do. I wanted him to find a couselor and make the first appointment. He seemed OK with this and, once again, promised.

The months have gone by and he never did make the appointment. I never asked about it either. I am tired of nagging and pulling him along to be a partner in marriage.

Yesterday I did ask and his reply was "how am I supposed to know who to call or what kind of counselor?" My first thought was - gee you are lame, you could have just asked.

Later it hit me how absurd his excuse is. "marriage counselor" is the type (duh) and phone book and google are your friends.

But that is my mistake. The only thing I want is for him to participate. Expecting him to do so is crazy.

You know what is really funny - I would rather he argue with me (constructively and non-abusively) every day if that just ment he was participating.

This summer my mom suggested we take a family vacation to Disney Land. Great! (I can pay for at the end of the summer)
My husband is his usual "that sounds fine to me"

When do you want to go "when ever", Do you want to look at these hotels with me? "you pick one"

How many days do you think we can afford? "how should I know?"

On and on it goes.

Before I really start persuing divorce I have to know - Do I expect too much? IS this relationship dead?

05-08-2008, 05:33 AM	#13 (permalink)
pigpen Member Join Date: May 2008 Posts: 32	Re: multiple problems Is the marriage REALLY dead? Which is why I waffle. I do not want the marriage to be dead. I like my husband when I am not thinking of him as a husband. Then I start thinking, am I REALLY doing all I think I am to save our marriage myself? Several years ago I asked him to go to a marriage counselor with me. The way I approached it was to say "When ever we try to talk we end up arguing. This makes me feel bad because I can not talk to you. I would really like it if we went to see a marriage couselor. A counselor could help us learn to talk to one another" It ended up in a nasty fight. He basically told me that I was a crazy b**** and if he had known I had so many mental problems he would not have married me. He also insisted that I just expected him to jump through hoops to prove his love. I did go alone for a while. It felt useless to do it alone and that all I was doing was paying someone to listen to a diatribe. I never mentioned couseling with hubby again until last year. In the mean time I found a web site that detailed verbal and emotional abuse. One day I casually asked my husband "come here, I want you to see something". I kind of tricked him into reading it. For the very first time ever he admitted his behavior was not right. He recognized his behavior. That seemed so promising. He assured me that he would do "anything" to make our marriage work. This is where I made MY mistake. I said that what bothers me most is that he does not participate. That he leaves so much up to me. Because this was huge for me then there was only one thing I wanted him to do. I wanted him to find a couselor and make the first appointment. He seemed OK with this and, once again, promised. The months have gone by and he never did make the appointment. I never asked about it either. I am tired of nagging and pulling him along to be a partner in marriage. Yesterday I did ask and his reply was "how am I supposed to know who to call or what kind of counselor?" My first thought was - gee you are lame, you could have just asked. Later it hit me how absurd his excuse is. "marriage counselor" is the type (duh) and phone book and google are your friends. But that is my mistake. The only thing I want is for him to participate. Expecting him to do so is crazy. You know what is really funny - I would rather he argue with me (constructively and non-abusively) every day if that just ment he was participating. This summer my mom suggested we take a family vacation to Disney Land. Great! (I can pay for at the end of the summer) My husband is his usual "that sounds fine to me" When do you want to go "when ever", Do you want to look at these hotels with me? "you pick one" How many days do you think we can afford? "how should I know?" On and on it goes. Before I really start persuing divorce I have to know - Do I expect too much? IS this relationship dead?