Talk About Marriage - View Single Post

swedish · 05-09-2008, 07:05 AM

My suggestion would be to end the affair. It is only clouding your thinking right now. Marriage counseling is only throwing your husband a bone and giving him false hope that you are willing to work on your marriage, but with the affair still going on you really can't be when your heart is somewhere else.

Even if you want to divorce and are pretty set in your mind with that, I think out of respect for your marriage, you should make that decision without someone waiting in the wings. You say you want to be alone, but do you really? Or do you want to live alone and have this other man in your life?

If you were not having an affair, do you think your husband is at the point now where marriage counseling might help him understand the void you have been feeling and learn to become close to you in the way you need? I know it's hard to even want that at this point if you have felt neglected over the years, but if you do still care about him perhaps you could fall back in love if the counseling brings you closer together?

I guess my thought is that all relationships require work, so whether you put it into your marriage or decide to divorce, any relationship going forward will require work...maybe in different areas for different people but I don't think you can compare being in a marriage with all of the financial commitments, kids, keeping up a household with seeing someone on the side where none of that exists and it's just fun and exciting.

Whatever you decide in the end, go in with your eyes wide open embracing the decision that if you stay, your feelings won't change over night but may over time and if you leave, imagine really being alone, without a man in your life at all. I felt very alone and unsupported in my first marriage and after we divorced, I felt even more alone because once my kids were tucked in bed, I literally was all alone. I don't regret getting divorced and the time alone did give me a lot of time to think so in hindsight it was good for me although I wouldn't say it felt good at the time.

05-09-2008, 07:05 AM	#3 (permalink)
swedish Moderator Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Near Chicago Posts: 848	Re: Any suggestions!!! My suggestion would be to end the affair. It is only clouding your thinking right now. Marriage counseling is only throwing your husband a bone and giving him false hope that you are willing to work on your marriage, but with the affair still going on you really can't be when your heart is somewhere else. Even if you want to divorce and are pretty set in your mind with that, I think out of respect for your marriage, you should make that decision without someone waiting in the wings. You say you want to be alone, but do you really? Or do you want to live alone and have this other man in your life? If you were not having an affair, do you think your husband is at the point now where marriage counseling might help him understand the void you have been feeling and learn to become close to you in the way you need? I know it's hard to even want that at this point if you have felt neglected over the years, but if you do still care about him perhaps you could fall back in love if the counseling brings you closer together? I guess my thought is that all relationships require work, so whether you put it into your marriage or decide to divorce, any relationship going forward will require work...maybe in different areas for different people but I don't think you can compare being in a marriage with all of the financial commitments, kids, keeping up a household with seeing someone on the side where none of that exists and it's just fun and exciting. Whatever you decide in the end, go in with your eyes wide open embracing the decision that if you stay, your feelings won't change over night but may over time and if you leave, imagine really being alone, without a man in your life at all. I felt very alone and unsupported in my first marriage and after we divorced, I felt even more alone because once my kids were tucked in bed, I literally was all alone. I don't regret getting divorced and the time alone did give me a lot of time to think so in hindsight it was good for me although I wouldn't say it felt good at the time.